More detachment, less anxiety and the continued joy of limbo

[Phoebe]

Well, today had been an exhausting, but reasonable day until just a little while ago.

First, I broke a 1" metal pin on my brush hog and there is some secondary damage to the support frame. I limped it back home, which was a bit of a trick, given that it was only connected to two points on the 3-point hitch and I had to be careful it didn't hit the tire and cause even more damage.

Then, I came inside and one of my brand new chicks had died! Poor peanut. She was chunky and had a crop full of food. I don't quite get it. Last year I brought home 13 chicks and I have adult 13 hens to show for it. Now I'm worried about all the other babies. Fingers crossed.

A farmer once told me that one problem with livestock is that you also sometimes end up with headstock. It's true.

Anyway, beyond that I am totally beat this evening. It was humid and I did a whole lot of strenuous work outside before I even started on the brush-hogging project. I just want to take a hot shower and crash for a while with a book.

I was both missing and angry at H today for abandoning me to take care of this huge place on my own. I was out there wrestling old wire fencing out of a massive rose thicket, and I was getting shredded by the thorns as I fought to cut out the wire and I was thinking that I really could have used his help. Absolutely zero contact from him for 11 days, and that tiny admin-type exchange was only the first since the beginning of April. Sigh. I'm not going to mind read, but it's tempting to feel really badly about myself.

So... feeling kind of low this evening. Husband that doesn't want me, feeling lonely, I have a dead chick and broken equipment that will be hard to deal with, and I'm just feeling the weight of the place today.

I want someone to share my life. I have no idea when or if that will ever happen, nor any idea who it might be with anymore, but probably not my H. Anyway, I'm feeling kind of demoralized.

Not sad, not angry, just down.