Oh Dear, Well, I had my second meeting with my H today to discuss the possible living arrangements on our property. While some parts went well, I burst out crying the moment I got back in the car to leave and have been a hot mess ever since. He made it clear once again that we would have to clarify what our relationship is as friends, and even said - 'you're still wearing your wedding ring' - well DUH. Just because he decided to leave doesn't mean I decided I'm not married. That part I don't get. What does he expect me to do, just toss it to the wind? After all my 6 weeks of not pursuing in any way, going dark etc. I feel I made my first backslide today and somehow we ended up on the topic of a big fight we had in Amsterdam 6 years ago! when he threatened to break up... I think I asked - 'I'm curious how you would send me that sweet whatsapp message three days before you decided to leave and then boom.' Oh god, why the hell did I say that!!! Feel so frustrated and sad that he seems to be blaming everything on me and insinuating that he gave me fair warning that if I did X then he would do Y. We talked about things we would do if he does come live here, summer things, river etc. I have to keep remembering it is only 6 weeks since he left. This is NOTHING in the big scheme of things. But am I being stupid to keep doing all this meditating and praying and forgiving and holding on to MY VISION of the future I want to see? He did reiterate that he 'loves me,but not in a big way' He said 'Well don't you look pretty' cause I made an effort to look awesome w my pink summer sun hat...and he bought us ice cream. He is working 50 hours a week, not sleeping enough, living at someone elses house and dealing with the stress of a future with a giant dental bill . He has not had the time that I have had to start healing. I felt so strong the past 10 days, was finally getting my head on straight about my own life and getting excited about my own goals and dreams, but today just felt like I was hurled through a time warp back to day one. But I must say in my own defense, I was calm and cool and confident and not upset at any point. Does the WAS always just assume that just because THEY decided to leave that somehow the LBS has magically also decided that it's over? I don't get that. HELP! Any words of wisdom much appreciated. He seemed more like the alien was in him today - a bit distant and cold and stressed out. I asked about that and he said he was really tired. I've been reading the Mr.Mean book about Irritable Male Syndrome in a further attempt to understand what the heck is really going on. I even took a quiz the writer Jed Diamond has online and my H scored in the highest category. Is there hope he will come out of this MLC? And he mentioned that he 'wasn't looking' but I would have to eventually accept if he started dating - and that I should too. oh dear god. The LAST thing I want right now is date. No thanks honey. What does this all mean? Is there still hope like it says in the DR book, that I shouldn't give up? I can't imagine giving up. I have set my mind on at least a year that I am willing to hold the vision of reconciliation, no matter what my H says. ok, rambling on. off I go into the windy mesa. Going to try to get my head back in the present, cause when I think of the future, and feel overwhelmed at thought of not being with him, today it just makes me feel I'm on the verge of getting hysterical. That's not helpful. THANKSSSSS
