One of These Days

[CaliGuy]

Thanks Gwen, Fogg, M and job (Nice shiny badge ya have there...bout time :D)


So today is a bit slow .. rainy and I decided to pop in here and see what is going on. I know there are some vets about .. along with the ones in the middle of the road ... not sure about any newbies as I really do not get in here much at all these days. I think in part its the fact I am no longer concerned about saving the M ... I am more concerned about continuing saving myself and I think if anyone can learn anything from me it is that ... place the oxygen mask over yourself before trying to do so with your MLC child.

So where am I ... I am seriously in a great place. Work has been busy and good, so good the Top Brass wants to take me to China near the end of the month to scout out some equipment I have been very reluctant about .. but hey, free trip to China for Cali.
S has been good, I will say that it appears W has been working hard to repair the damage caused over the past few years .. OM has not been around S once since this latest split up and for that I am thankful as S is not so bummed out when he goes with her ... he is still very excited to hang with dad. We have been doing quite a few things together out of the house, just boy stuff and I am thinking of a few more. Have a trip scheduled in July to go back home for the 4th ... road trip and camping along the way it will be awesomesauce.

The nights I do not have him I have been really busy... my GAL activities still active, football and softball, taking the Harley out alot more with the weather being amazing... also seeing someone. Funny how MLC can follow you ... she has a friend who was abandoned with 2 kids by her husband, he lost his father and about a year later he split and got an apartment and now has a23 year old living with him (Shocker right?) .... I pretended to show surprise and shook my head but I could pretty much fill in the rest without hearing much. Anyways ... this girl is nice and we are just doing dinners and a movie here and there, out of my comfort zone and slowly rebuilding myself.

As far as STBX ... yes .. that's what she is now as I never gave her that title here before... she seems happy, have not seen much of her to be honest, when I do, sometimes she looks stressed but usually she really looks ok, she continues to delay the Mediation meetings, it doesnt really bother me it will happen when it happens and is not going to change my day to day routine. She has tested me here n there but I do not take any more bait nor feel an urge to... I am done pray she does come out for Ss sake ... aswell as her own one day. I do have some strange dreams about her off and on ... usually of her hitting bottom and crying, whats that mean?... I have no clue but I figure its my brain attempting to heal itself after being so consumed with this mess for so long, and now all the sudden I have found this really serious peace.

The peace has come from going through all this. Knowing deep down I needed this to become the man I was always meant to be, I did all I could to save my M, I am good with it .. did the work and now its time for me to move on. I still pray for her to find the peace I have currently found, its a great place and things just seem to be falling into place one by one and I accept them for what they are.

Just rambling on here ... looking back over my sitch I sometimes wish I would have read certain things earlier .. accepted things earlier but I know it would not have happened as it all did .. I am exactly where I am supposed to be and will continue to go along my path of self improvement. I feel for those just starting as I recall how absorbed I was in every little move the MLCrs made thinking I could crack the code ... problem was I was trying to open the wrong door, it was always my own door I needed to figure out.

Peace.

[job]

Cali,
You are exactly where you need to be at this time. No one could tell you that you were trying to open the wrong door, you had to figure that one out for yourself...but you did and you now hold the key to your future and in time, that key will unlock a lot of new and exciting things and meet some new people along the way. Don't second guess yourself...okay?

You have an exciting trip coming up...China! Go and have some fun while you are there and not just sticking w/a work routine. There is so much to see and do and I hope you will carve out a bit of "me" time on this trip.

I'm glad your son is doing well. He will always be excited to hang out w/you...it's the male bonding. His mother has a lot of damage to repair and it sounds like she may be on the right path to do so, but it will take a lot of time and patience for them to mend the fence.

Your GAL activities are keeping you fairly busy and I'm glad you have met someone and you are taking things slowly. I'm glad to see that you are stepping outside your comfort zone and enjoying these new things and you will discover that Cali really does like doing new and exciting things outside his comfort zone. There is a whole wide world out there waiting for you...embrace the new you and go for it!

Cali, please don't second guess one thing that you've done. Each and every step you took had to be taken in order for you to grow and become wiser on your life's path. You are a far better man today for experiencing the things you did and you will be able to share your wisdom w/others who happen to cross your path.

Enjoy your trip to China! Travel safely!

[bttrfly]

As always, thank you Cali. I'm in the process of opening my own door too these days, finally not really concerned with what's behind door #MLC ... You continue to give me hope for the future.
I'm happy you are enjoying something casual with a new person .. a bit out of the comfort zone is good, I think ... and China! Wow! That's great! So glad s is doing well and you've got boy stuff planned.

Cali, you have been a true inspiration. I'm so glad to read your posts. The inner peace radiates through the screen ... it helps me so much to read your updates and know that all the pain has a purpose, and is worth it to get to the other side.

xoxoxoxo

[Irish M]

Hi Cali
Wishing you a safe trip to china. Not sure if you are back but I hope the trip did/does you good. You deserve te break

Cheers
Irish

[CaliGuy]

Job, Bttrfly, Irish ... thank you.

I have popped in here a bit .... new people ... new sitches that I am not fully caught up on so I do not feel its my place to say much, that and given the fact my approach has shifted quite a bit over the past several months.

I have not gone to China yet, Passport is in and I am not sure when/if that trip will happen so I wait .. no expectations and living my life regardless ... wow where did I learn that from?

On the MLC-STBX front .... honestly I have little to say as I do not know what is going on in Camp-Cray, seems she is working a ton, Avoid-Escape hand in hand with MLC, for those trying to keep up since MLC hit in what I will guess 2011, she has had 6 jobs to date, and its the same thing, job is amazing and consumes her till the shadows catch up, she is unhappy, and again moves on to the next. Currently she is sacrificing attending any of S's games/events for work or other activities that may be Dr, Therapy (I think of the physical nature ... I do not ask) or possibly OM ... again don't know and do not really care. The only emotion I have on this is its tragic she is missing out on S growing up and the memories of him getting a hit or making a play ... the little things I have come to cherish.

As far as the D/M ... the Mediation was pushed back and they are waiting on me for a date with the whole trip thing I was not sure, but one thing I am sure of now is I need to push it for the end of June to get the financials re-disclosed as STBX's new job would give us accurate numbers for the Child-Support $$'s and I am guessing that leans in my favor. Contact with her is still as NC as can be with S's schedule being the exception and that is discussed via email (So I have it on record what we are doing/have agreed to) I will get a text here and there about what time concerning pickup-drop offs but nothing on a personal level.
When I do see her, no eye contact ... none, last week she looked down like she was ashamed, struck me odd but this seems to be the trend over the past few months.

So as far as Cali 2.0/3.0 I have been growing, reading, healing and realizing that I lost myself badly with all this over the years, even prior to MLC. I have been rediscovering who I am, and morphing that into who I have become, who I want to be. I have found peace ... not just without the MLC cray ... but at peace with who I am growing into. I have set goals for the next couple years and look forward to that new life. With this I have learned a great deal, coupled with what I have learned here I now see the gender specific issues that arise with a MLC-w/LBH and some of the important variables that come from it. I also have encountered some post-MLC issues that in their own have side railed my progress some as I address each one by one and continue on my personal journey.

All that said .. I am good, as good as I can recall I ever have been. I feel the urge to lend a word here and there but don't feel the urge to follow a sitch at this point, I know in time I probably will as I owe this place more than words can express ... but now is my time to scab the wound over and continue to process all the past 5 years has given. I did copy all my threads the other day just to have them on file ... I read a few here and there and SMH at how far I have come.

I hope you all well .. I am never very far if you feel the urge to reach out I will follow up I promise .. till then Peace be with you.

[AJM]

Hey Cali, nice to see you drop by. I don't hit the boards often, but did today and saw this post.

Glad to hear you are doing well. Figured you would be

One thing you might expect is that she won't make eye contact with you for a while. Either out of anger or shame? Who knows or really, what does it matter. But it seems similar to me. My ex couldn't wait to get out of the room if we were in the same room. And when she was, she'd look at her toes as she rushed out. That only happened with the kids or passing on the street, so I can only report what I've seen. Just a note to let you know it's not abnormal in this situation. If it's like my experience (and there are many similarities) then I suspect the anger/nicety/WTF moments will continue in the brief encounters you'll have because of your son. Don't be surprised.

China? I'm jealous if you get to go - enjoy the new adventures!

AJ

[mleigh4]

Nice to see you pop in and update. I hope China happens for you, what an adventure!

Sounds like you and S are doing good, so happy to hear it. I too think about how much my H is missing in S life. They grow so quickly at this age, I can't believe how mature my baby is becoming so quickly! These are times our spouses will never get back and it's truly a shame. I am sure, like me, you are so grateful to have these times and memories with your son, you are doing a great job!

[mirage]

Cali,

I only pop in occasionally here as well.

My EXW the same on the eye contact thing. On the rare occasion we see each other whether it's guilt or anger she can't bring herself to look up and if I do catch her eye it's head back down quick. Almost like I'm a mirror and her true self is reflected back at her and she can't stand it.

On the positive side....so great to hear where your at and that your journey takes precedence. It is as it has to be for us to move on in a healthy manner. I can tell from your words and actions that you get it. That this journey was to make you better. I am glad and happy for you.

There is a big extraordinary world out there for all us LBS'ers...we just need to live it.

All the best in your future adventures.

Mirage

[CaliGuy]

Thank you AJ, M, and mirage

So a few weeks ago I decided to copy all my posts from here, just in case there was a purge or whatever I thought I might want them for a later time ... maybe to just review not so much any progress with MLC, more out of my own journey which has been a long, hard but extremely rewarding one. I think I have done this as I have entered into a new phase of my self development which I feel I have made some big strides into becoming that man I desire to become.

That said I really was not planning on updating, but in the spirit of documenting my journey (and hers)... I do feel I have to put this stuff down as its relevant.

About a week or so ago STBX TM me informing me of the Memorial Day weekend coming up as its was a Holiday and she would like time with S. I replied ... indifferent... that I had sent out the schedule a week prior to ensure we were on the same page and noted I would have S Sunday and Monday (She had him Thur/Fri/Sat) and I have already made plans for those days, but would be 'open' to discussing it with her and possibly giving him up Monday evening, however my plans have been made and I was not willing to disrupt those. After that reply all things were back to crickets.

I had picked up S Sunday after going to Mass, we helped a friend with a home improvement project, then went to the movies. When we left STBX TM me asking if I could bring S by, she was not feeling well and 'had no one else' ... this cry I have heard a few times ... translation: OM and STBX most likely broken up again. I replied we had finished the movie, and we were going home. She pushed again ... I firmly told her it was no spot for a 9 year old to be in, taking care of his mother. Then I get the TM "I made a terrible mistake" I did not reply to that one.
S called her a bit later as typical to say goodnight, after a bit he hands me the phone and says she wanted to talk to me. She was crying a bit, saying she was sorry for all she had put me and S through, she misses the family, misses me, tested asking if I still loved her, still cared for her and upon me not answering more tears and a 'you finally have stopped caring for me haven't you' remark..... was similar to what happened in Mar 2014, however this time I was not buying it. I told her I missed what we had, I missed the wife I had about 5-6 years ago but I do not miss nor care for who she has become. She called again the next morning, asking for forgiveness, said she did not deserve another chance more sobbing, sorry, misses 'us', I was her best friend then life got 'hard' and a repeat of Sunday nights apologies and crying.

For the most part I listened, corrected her when I disagreed with re-written history. I asked her what makes this different from last year ... I gave her a second chance and was rewarded with more of the lies, betrayal and deceit. I was not that nice as it still chaps me what she did over the past 3 years. I told her words meant very little to me and I sincerely doubted she could do what I would need to even get me to the table to talk about what could be done.

She shared she has been working on herself, going to therapy which I applauded her for .. if anything its good for S. Said her therapist told her she should 'take a chance'. I am not really buying it tbh Most likely its a case of another OM breakup and she found herself alone over a long weekend, time will tell. As I processed this information over, there is still that part inside me that would prefer my wife and family back... but I do not know what that even looks like anymore. I have learned some important lessons in all this, I have changed so much, the person she said Sunday night she misses and cared for may no longer be alive. With all the betrayal, lies and MLC wonders I am not really interested in all that. I have hit a point there is so much damage I question if I could handle another ride nor do I think she could possibly do the work she needs to do .... thankfully I do not have to do anything, she has a ton more 'working on herself' to do and I can continue my journey and living my life.

So nothing is really different for me, but wanted to update as I think its important in my journal to continue to keep a record for future reference.

I hope you all are well.

[Sotto]

Hi Cali, oh goodness me! That's quite a turnaround isn't it. I can see why you would feel less receptive given your experience last time. And I would agree that your W does have a ton of work to do.

From what you post there is a ring of desperation and wanting to bounce back into the R with (and support from) you. Actually, what she needs to do is take the journey similar to the one you have taken - look within and work out how to move forward from there.

FWIW, I would think there needs to be a significant period of time with no OM - and no R with you either - and for her to be working on her own issues on that basis? How long? IDK...

I am fully D'd now - and much more detached WRT my XH. I'm not even sure if I would want us to R now. But what I struggle with is - if the MLCer is asking for another chance - and you're not sure if you want the door to be open or not. What do you do?

Anyway - you are sounding good and I'm glad to hear it xx