Hi all, just a quick update on how my weekend with h went and the days following it.
We both flew to a neutral meeting place Saturday morning, met in the airport and then spent the weekend in the city. We did a few touristy things; went on a ferry to an island and had a history tour, went to a casino and played the 2c slots in the evening and went to a transport museum (thinking of h with this choice) on the Sunday. We walked, we talked about lots of different things (no r talk), we ate, drank and generally had a very lovely weekend together. We held hands when walking and yes there was more intimate contact but more on that later. We made our way back to the airport late Sunday afternoon and both flew to our different locations within minutes of each other.
H was really difficult to read, I was not sure what he was thinking throughout the weekend, just that he was easy to be around, I had a couple of uncomfortable moments but on the whole he was very attentive and thoughtful.
We spoke briefly in the airport about how it went (prob not the most appropriate place lol), he said he had a really nice time, loved spending time with me, but the issues surrounding his feeling of guilt and shame as to what he has done to me still overshadow the desire to be physical, he tried to push through it when we were intimate but it did not fade. He added that his therapist has moved and he has a new one, a lady this time, he has only seen her once so far but she has already taken him back to when this started for him, starting to create a time line. It appears that job was correct in saying that this is possibly round 2 for h, that this started about 5 years ago but he came out and simmered in the middle before hitting it worse the 2nd time. He also said he realizes that his leaving me was a needless act, that I did nothing to deserve what he decided he needed to do, leaving has solved nothing and just ended up with him living with the guilt and shame of it all.
I text him in the week asking if we could talk/text over the weekend if he was free and he said "of course". True to his word he contacted me this morning. My first sentence was:
Me -"before we have a needless conversation, does you heart still lie with me" h - "Yes. I want to be with you"
I asked about the issue he is having surrounding me. He said "last weekend confirmed that we can get along fine, the physical desire is there, just smothered by other feelings, I will be working to remove them"
Fairytale or tragic movie plot ....watch this space !!
Time, time and more time, patience, understanding and hope. If any newbies are reading this - make this your mantra !!
On my side of things: I felt mass rejection and deflation the day after the weekend (even though technically I was not rejected), I had a meltdown in my IC office (savvy thinking on my part to make an appointment for the day after), she wanted to sign me off work, but I said I know I will get through this, the feelings will pass, this happens every time I see him. And true to that I feel calmer and more centered again today.
Other news - my enrollment application for the Polytechnic course was rejected because I dont meet the entrance criteria - I cant prove I finished High school 30yrs ago ! But I was not going to give in that easily and so I have enrolled on a lower level bridging course instead. It just means a longer route to get to my goal, but this hurdle is a drop in the ocean compared to everything I have faced over the past 2 years, so it really does not feel like a hurdle at all ....a minor speed bump.
Had a quiet day today, just processing the conversation with h, know that I have to keep moving forward with my own life and let him do his thing, remain hopeful that he can see his way past the block he has created. I am going to a Sunday Market with a g/friend tomorrow and have counseling on Monday.
