I've been reading your old posts. Thank you so much for your continuing advice about doing everything, including DB, for oneself. That can be hard to comprehend. After all, aren't we DBing to save a marriage, to save "us."
But slowly the concept is seeping though my LBS mind. To work on ourselves, don't focus on the marriage, and our spouses can choose to get on board.
And you are right, the pleading and chasing just make things worse. I for one, felt so powerless and pathetic when my chasing and begging just kept being rejected.
I am trying to internalize the counter-intuitive idea that detachment and space actually may be whats needed.
But through this process, because of all the pain, and loss of the future I dreamed about, it's hard to know if the DBing is really for oneself. It's a fine line. Hopefully clarity comes with time, as it seems to have been for you.
You also made the strong reminder that when we all come back together, both parties have to be fully committed. So I'm in that position where I don't believe she's fully committed even though she says she wants to keep working on things.
I hope you're right about the concept that the marriage can come back stronger than ever. Because my new thoughts are that if I make it back with my W, that I won't accept what I call "table scraps."
I want intimacy, honesty, partnership, friendship and love, fully and equally. All while understanding the need to avoid codependency, and stay independent but connected.
Finally, what part of the DB or your own 180 worked best to bring him back?
