My Story - the circular nature of causality

[J5K]

I feel I want to address the behaviours of WW and her boss while with D3 before I agree to a schedule that enables them to do more of the same.

A friend recommended that I meet with the PC separately this week to address my concerns offline and give the PC the heads up that WW will deny her AP. Then during the meeting next week with WW, myself and PC, I will try to ask for the weekend that doesn't sync with her AP's and see how she reacts in hopes this will expose her motivation.

My parents feel that I am confusing what I think is best for D3 with my desire to expose WW. Admittedly I would feel some sense of justice if her family knew what was really going on instead of them placing 100% of the blame of marriage breakdown on me.

However, I have held my tongue about her affair for 5 months but the desire to expose her at least to the PC is intensified because of the impact to D3.

What should I do?

A) Should I drop the rope and forget about what WW does with D3 on her time. And take advantage of the 50/50. I would then separately address any behavioural issues D3 is experiencing, even though the new schedule would enable WW and OM to easily blend their family's so early after separation.

B) Should I play a rouse to expose WW's ulterior motive of wanting the alternating weekends to sync with her AP's, there-by trapping her to admitting to the affair so we can deal with the proper protocol of blending the family?

Advise would be welcome.
Thanks in advance.

1gr8dad,

Advice from someone may not be a bad idea. Do you have a L to discuss this with?

I can tell you my 5 boys are acting differently just because of the separation between W and I.

You cannot control what W does with D3 on W's time, but you may be able to control the impact the separation has on D3 from a legal perspective.

I am in a no fault state but I do know that it will not look favorable on my W from a custody perspective if she is introducing our kids to OMs.

[SH_]

1gr8dad,

You have some very challenging questions. I don't know that I have a great answer, but I do agree with some of the responses for you.
What is best for d3.
Consult a with a good L for legal advice as it will help in making wise decisions and help for future decisions by the courts. Hopefully in your state the courts favor the well being of the kids above all eles. I am fortunate in that aspect as well as my L is very focused on that.
I am not one to give advice on exposure as I have no experience for that but there are many vets here on the forums that can hopefull give you the goods and bads.

I continue to pray for you and your family and hope that you are able to find information that can help you make the best decision.

Be sure to look out for you and d3 above all else.

[1gr8dad]

Thanks all for your feedback. I appreciate it.

[1gr8dad]

Guys thanks again for everyone's input.

CWOL, thanks for your interest in my sitch. I feel that exposing WW's affair with her boss to their employer would have a catastrophic effect on the ability of WW and I to have:
- an amicable co-parenting relationship
- to settle this divorce collaboratively

Anyhow, with option B, I actually only wanted to expose the Affair to our Parenting Coordinator (PC) so we can discuss what's the best way of introducing a new partner into D3's life only 3 months since we physically separated. The problem is that WW will never admit it so I would have to play games to expose her.

So, with some hesitation I ended up going with Option A.

This option immediately enables WW to maximize her single life with her boss' single life, and allows the blending of D3 with OM's D8 on alternating weekends. But I get 50% custody and a full alternating weekends with D3. I cannot put a price on that!

I can only control what happens in my D3's life when she's with me. If WW chooses to play house with OM and his daughter with sleepovers at each other's houses like D3 reports, than any negative emotional scarring D3 has as fallout is on WW, not me. I can only bring it up with our PC when it becomes an issue.

Worrying about what's going on when D3 is not in my custody takes away from my focus. My focus is on how to be the best dad for D3 when she is with me.

[1gr8dad]

Right - so today my D3 sees the newspaper and on the front page is a man who looks like WW's OM/boss and she asks if it's you know who.

My own dad was around when this happened and starts asking D3 questions and discovers that OM is coming over to "mommy's home" (the condo I'm still paying for) and OM brings his D8 and dog. It's been just over 2 months since I moved out. WTF!

At least now I have crisp evidence to bring up with PC.


Now I need to spew some of my own anger.

• Why again did I agree to move out of my home to rough it out living with my parents until we sell the matrimonial condo?
• How can someone just swap out their husband for another man literally overnight? (I guess it wasn't overnight because I believe the EA started years ago).
• How can WW subject their kid to this utter dysfunction?
• As a man how do I recover from this ultimate ego blow, where I have lost my wife and 1/2 my daughter. Any my home, dignity, and sense of worth?
• How is WW carrying on this Affair without her family finding out or someone at work discovering?

My Parents tell me that until I forgive WW for what she is doing the anger and bitterness will eat from the inside out. I understand what they are saying but how can I get past all this?

[DDJ]

You can't get past it now, not yet. You don't even have to forgive. Thats for her to ask God for.

But you can't let this eat you up, and consume you. Otherwise you're not going to come out stronger. You don't need material things to be happy. You really don't. Keep what little sanity you have left and start from scratch. One day at a time, build your confidence with something that you're good at, your God given talent.

Share the love that your WW has thrown away with the people that do care about you, even strangers. They will appreciate you for you.

I'm out of ideas. Big hugs.

[J5K]

1gr8dad,

I am so sorry you found this info. There will be days that you do forgive and there will be days that you will spew the anger! Let the anger pass through you.

I am spewing anger today also. I have to move out of my home also but do not know when. No plan where to go, head is spinning with so many thoughts.

Let all the emotions flow through you. You are the better person and your D3 will feel it and know it. My S4 keeps telling me that he wants to live with me. It hurts when we find things out that are not pro M.

You are a caring and loving father. Be the best dad you can be to your D3, she will be a better person because of you!

[rich4j]

Now I need to spew some of my own anger.

• Why again did I agree to move out of my home to rough it out living with my parents until we sell the matrimonial condo?
• How can someone just swap out their husband for another man literally overnight? (I guess it wasn't overnight because I believe the EA started years ago).
• How can WW subject their kid to this utter dysfunction?
• As a man how do I recover from this ultimate ego blow, where I have lost my wife and 1/2 my daughter. Any my home, dignity, and sense of worth?
• How is WW carrying on this Affair without her family finding out or someone at work discovering?

My Parents tell me that until I forgive WW for what she is doing the anger and bitterness will eat from the inside out. I understand what they are saying but how can I get past all this?

1GR- we are in the same universe and sphere with what you are going thru. I am being asked to leave weekly for 4 months now and will have to shortly not because by law I need to but doing what's best for may daughter and situation. YOU are too and doing what you thought was right....she is NOT. Don't look back on it and just that you did what a good dad would do.

Ego- OMG...how does this suck? It does. Again ..going thru the same thing. STBX has lied to me about EA since last summer and PA since she filed so she had a clearer conscious. It hurts sometimes alot and then fades and then hurts. It is THEIR dysfunction NOT yours. You can look in the mirror and not have to down a bunch of rolaids to sleep...bet she does!

Anger/bitterness- add resentment and hate to the list. I don't have an answer for you on this. My friends keep telling me "so what" .....she didn't really cheat on you until she filed and even if so, your the better person and didn't stray.

I think you can not get past this bitterness until over time. I know I won't...it will take a good amount of time for me no matter what anyone tells me but get your happiness pill from the children and hopefully doing other things that make you smile. And maybe meeting someone who appreciates you more in the future!!!

[1gr8dad]

DDJ, thanks for your words of good advice.
JimKao, I've been following your thread and deeply empathize with your sitch and admire what a great dad you are.

Rich4j. seems we have a lot on common as well.
Make sure you don't leave the house until you have a Legally enforceable parenting plan. I roughed it out for 3 months in home separation until that was done. It was awful but now I have almost 50/50 with D3.

Thanks for your comments. Yes, my best source of happiness comes from the new memories I create with D3. Thanks for reminding me of the good things in my life

Have a great weekend guys. Thanks again.

[Phoebe]

Just stopping in to wish you well, 1gr8dad. I am sorry to hear about the latest developments in your situation. Both you and your D3 deserve so much better.