I went for a long run today...ok, not really but a 20 minute run and was thinking about this;
It's often said that for the walkway spouse to want the LBS back they need to value them again. In order to value them, they need to see the LBS as moved on, detached, possibly dating others.
Why would I want someone that only values me when I no longer care? When they realize that I am done? I think that says a lot about their dysfunction and insecurity, not mine.
I don't want to be in a relationship playing games. I want to be able to confide in my husband about my insecurities and anxieties and fears without being devalued for having them and especially without having them used against me. I wanted that from him as well. I never wanted a relationship based on superficiality and fakeness (is that even a word?)
I often feel like my husband mistook my honesty and desire for a companion as neediness. I don't really need him and never thought I did.
Just rambling now cause it's Friday night and I have no GAL activities
This is coming up in my R.
H got tired of being in a marriage with someone who didn't desire him the way he wanted, so he emotionally detached.
Now, my libido and desire for him is greater than it's ever been.
It seems like my libido dislikes being pursued and becomes alive only when there is great uncertainty. I hate that, and wish I could change, but don't know how.
Right now, H feels he can only stay if we implement a drastic change to introduce uncertainty into the marriage--enough uncertainty to keep my libido high but not enough to make me miserable.
Any ideas on how to do that?
Pardon the hijack J, but I wanted to respond to Rose.
Rose, I think that's fairy tail stuff. The idea that he's supposed to be perpetually satisfied sexually while you are perpetually stimulated is not a realistic marriage model. It might be that way at times, honeymoon phase, make up sex, or whatever. But it's not going to sustain throughout a marriage.
What I'd tell him is that you don't make your marriage conditional upon sexual satisfaction. Now, maybe your satisfaction with your marriage could hinge on that. As a man I can admit that I might get to the point that I would literally hate my life for months at a time if I was being neglected, and while that's not ideal, it can be a true, true challenge. But at NO point is divorce appropriate, and if the idea exists that looking for another woman is even a consideration, that's screwed up. And he might as well go, because if he believes that marriage is conditional then it won't last anyway.
What I'd tell you is that love isn't a feeling, it's an action. While I wish your libido would be a perfect match, I am a subscriber to the "just do it" philosophy. Namely there are 1,001 things in marriage we do even if we don't feel like it. We host parties for people we aren't crazy about, we go to concerts because our spouse likes them, we watch TV shows that make us want to light our hair on fire because it's together time, we work 50 hour a week jobs and climb out of bed at 6AM to fight traffic and get hung up on by angry customers to pay the bills, we clean up puke from our dog, we mow lawns, do laundry, etc, etc, etc...all because we are a team and these things need to get done. Well, to a man sex is typically the #1 most important priority, #1, #1, #1. And if you two are a team, then it had better be a top priority to you as well, whether you FEEL like it or not. So make the darn time, and act as if, and do your wifely duties. I know that will enrage a lot of women and maybe this is my last DB post, but frankly the idea that men and women have equal sexual needs and sex should happen when both parties want it and men should understand that if he's neglected and dismissed then he needs to do more chores because he's not meeting the invisible bar...that's BS. It's a basic foundational need for a man, and it can't be conditional any more than feeding your children supper at night.
No, it's not black and white. As I said, a man needs to remain committed to his marriage even if he gets cut off for years. The same way a woman needs to remain committed to her marriage even if her husband stops talking to her for years. In my mind they are the same level of severity. And I've dealt with both in my failed marriage.
Bottom line, the commitment is required and unconditional, and from there both people need to do their part unconditionally as well. Not because they want their partner to reciprocate, but because it's the right thing to do. And if two people both do this there is a chance it will work.
Trying to find a prescription drug that puts you in the mood to honor your obligations, though, seems like a long shot.
Sorry all, just a little fiery tonight. Love you all.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
