WHs do come back--Piecing--

[BluWave]

CRW, I wrote a response on your thread; hope I wasn't too harsh.

Unbowed, thanks for checking in. This has been tough--a gut wrenching, mud-slinging, war path. I have read that if a M can recover after an A, that there is chance that the M can be better than before. That is if both people are willing to look at themselves and do the hard work--soul searching, etc--then they can come back and bring more to the M, as stronger individuals. I cannot attest to that yet, but hope to some day. Actually that idea is the only thing that has given me hope. Because I know that I don't feel the same way about him as before, so I need to believe that it can be as good or better, but what I only know now is that it is different.

H has to live with what he has done. I have contributed to the breakdown in intimacy and trust as well--and I have made poor choices--but the A was the straw that broke the camels back--and that is what tore us apart for a year. H is in the difficult position of having to live with the shame and regret of what he has done, and knowing how many people he has hurt. He is also in the position of earning back my trust. He also recognizes that he cannot blame me for what lead to the A--it was his responsibility to let me know what he needed and take a stand, and to not just run and justify it based on resentment. He is doing this while simultaneously recovering from nice guy syndrome. So he made this royal $hitty mess and now he has been working overtime trying to clean it up. He is easily worn down and popping too much Excedrin.

So what do I think of the recovering nice guy? Honestly, at face value, he gets on my nerves. Im still trying to get used to him. One of the reasons I fell in love with H, is because of his gentle nature, his open-mindedness and his flexibility. So trying to forgive someone and trust them when they have pulled this stunt, and then having them constantly challenge you, is well, ugh, frustrating to say the least. Not the dude I married, not at all. But, I recognize that this is all necessary and that without it, he cannot be free to be himself, and then who am I really married to?

I don't want to be married to a doormat. I didn't ever think H was a doormat--quite frankly, I just make decisions and get things done with or without other people--but he FELT like a doormat. He felt powerless and suffocated. I think it perpetuated the cycle, because I started to lose respect for him. I am a strong woman and I need and more so want a strong man. So, there is no more mr nice guy; he is gone and that marriage is over. I accept that. I am just still learning to fall in love with this guy. Sometimes, yes, sometimes he gets on my nerves, but in time I feel that things could be better for all of us.

-Blu