You are in a tough spot and I feel for you. I really do! I honestly don't know how I got through that year when H was in the fog; I was anxious, scared about my future and kids, often humiliated, I was lonely, and I knew in my heart he was making a huge mistake! I just wanted him to see what he was doing and to show him he would regret it! But I couldn't and you can't either. Maybe we can give glimpses, but ultimately everyone has to learn through their own experiences. You have to let her go.
I struggled with detachment every day and I put a lot of pressure on myself to detach and just let him go! Well we all know that is easier said than done! That is why we come here--so we can encourage each other, cheer each other on, and take those 2*4s with ironclad resistance. We are like a group of addicts--instead of recovering from drugs and alcohol, we are battling to recover from people. And as any addict knows, your fellow addict is the BEST source of support. So I am here to tell you that yes, this is terribly difficult and PAINFUL, and yes, detaching takes a LONG time, but you CAN do it. You can. Perhaps you need to take the first step--take the pressure off to detach overnight and accept that you are powerless. It's okay to start with the smallest step, and for you that is to accept that right now you are powerless.
Allow yourself time; time to accept that she is gone. Time and space to feel the sadness. It is frustrating and you are powerless. Grieving takes time, but I don't think you can start the grieving process until you accept that she is gone. She may come back one day--none of us can know that now--but you have not made the first step yet. It's time to accept that your M is over.
That being said, you do not need to DO anything. These are huge life-changing decisions and there is no need for you to rush that. If this is truly what she wants right now, then yes, let her do the leg work. And yes, comply, and sign the agreements that you and L discuss. But you are not obligated to do the work for her.
If she comes at you with pressure, frustration, resentments, kindness to persuade you--whatever it is that makes you uncomfortable--remember that is HER deal, not yours. Your boundaries are for you! And right now it is okay to tell her that you need some space, you need some time, and you are not ready for D. If she would like to start that process, she will have your full cooperation. Continue to be polite and respectful, but take a GIANT step back so you can work on step one. You can't get there if you are only doing it to show her or get somewhere with her.
I am truly sorry you are here. -Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
