Unbowed, thank you for checking in. I will look at your thread. We cannot mention other book titles here, but I think we are on the same page. This was a huge eye opener for H and me. He has read it more than once. It also helped me understand and appreciate his struggles, which I was blind to for many years. I will say, he has done a good job of making personal changes. He definitely tells me when he doesn't like something or agree with me and he holds firm on it. This has proven challenging during piecing, as he was the cause of a lot of destruction, but as I come to accept what happened, I can appreciate that these are necessary changes for him.
Great, Blu. I think we're on the same page too. I hope he keeps working on his issues. I honor your willingness to (carefully) work with him, despite all he's done. My guess would be that his actions were largely influenced by his former inability to stand up to you. If he had been able to set boundaries, he may not have had to sneak away. If he had known it was destructive not to stand up to you, and if he had been confident that he was capable of being loved even if he didn't try to seek approval from you, it's very possible he would have never done the things he did. I know I was completely blind to what being a nice guy can do to a relationship.
But I primarily feel your pain being the one who has been rejected and so badly treated. I personally hope I never fall prey to the desperation of seeking someone else and dishonoring my family and marriage because I directly address my issues.
Hang in there. I have hope for both of you!
I'm curious. How did knowing about his new work affect the way you feel about him? Does it make his behavior changes easier to understand and bear, or does it feel forced and fake because he's following a deliberate behavior change script? As for your husband, given his nice guy ways, I suspect that acknowledging his errors and working on them while not falling into a depression feeling bad about himself now that he knows will be a challenge.
