I'm coming up on 2 years from BD, and over 18 months since I found out the reality of my sitch and that it was truly over. In the time that's passed I still can't get my head around it. It is so monumentally and profoundly horrible that trying to make sense of it is just not possible. This is wrong to the very fabric of the universe.
Nothing will ever make it ok. Time will pass and as years roll by your brain will lose interest in trying to make sense of it. It's like playing with one of those metal ring puzzle games where you try to get the ring off the apparatus. You mess with it for a while and then just shrug and realize you're not going to solve it and it's not that important. Well, this may be important but after you spin around the why's and the how's enough times in the shower or on your way home from work eventually you'll lose interest. I still find my brain going down those paths, but most days it's just a back ground distraction and doesn't really occupy my time.
Still, there are times when it will flare up and demand attention, and there are times when I am compelled to cycle around the senselessness of the situation. How could anyone make such a decision? How does XW rationalize this to herself, and does she actually believe it herself or does she realize how destructive she's been?
The endless heartache and lack of any meaningful resolution only shows how wrong this path really is. And I'm sorry you're in this mad house.
I know what you mean about this being a turning point. I went through a similar turning point. A point at which my mind just blanked and I went numb and I had to let go. Not because I was trying to detach, but because it became self-evident that I had to let go.
It's odd, I guess that's what the WAS's tell themselves when they check out. They reach that numbness and feel the same way. The big difference is they feel that way over adversity in the relationship, whereas the LBS feels that way in response to betrayal and a destroyed family.
While you've been on the forums for a year, I really do feel like this marks a new BD, and a new day 1. Just wish I could take some of your burden on this day. Of course, it's not totally true, in terms of skills, in terms of detachment, in terms of working towards salvaging yourself, you've come so far. I would never wish anyone to have to survive this, but I know you can.
And the last year wasn't a waste. I know it can seem embarrassing to realize you were putting in effort into a dead relationship with a lying cheaterpants, but it wasn't stupid. It was strong and noble. You'll be able to walk proudly for the rest of your life. And though this isn't a pure thought, he'll remember that forever, and have to deal with the difference between you and this home-wrecker. I don't want to go down that path because who knows, maybe ignorance is bliss, and he finds happiness with a dysfunctional relationship and a horrible woman. Who knows. Getting back to what matters is you knowing you did what is right.
As for advice, I don't have anything too rigid. Personally I don't believe I'd do much more confronting. If you need to go down a cheeseless tunnel for some type of closure you can, but it's just going to be a rerun. Him lying to you about what he did, then minimizing it, rationalizing it, turning it back on you, telling you that you are exaggerating things or misunderstanding, that your issues had nothing to do with her, that she was just a supportive friend while he dealt with the destruction he feels you caused, whatever. If you want to read the script you can do so on other posts, nothing will change by putting a coin in the machine and having him spit it out at you. For me I never wanted to even entertain that BS. I basically just shook my head quietly and never looked back. Whenever she's tried to engage and spew her script at me I just tune out and respond to the parts of her messages that I needed to respond to. I won't even justify it with a response. That's how I prefer to handle it. But you may be different, and that's ok.
What I WOULD recommend is not saying anything that's non-factual. If you tell him you know about the wedding plans, he can tell you that you misunderstood the pictures, that they were for her friend's wedding, blah blah blah. Whatever. Point is, you don't know they had wedding plans. What you DO know is that he was cheating on you while you were married and discussing your relationship, and that it is proven there is zero chance of working out relationship issues while a third party is involved. I'd prefer you stick to non-negotiable facts and just say that you find cheating to be the most despicable betrayal imaginable, and for him to string you along with pretense of reconciliation while eliminating any chance by involving a third party is beyond disrespectful. Again, I don't know what's gained by guilting or punishing him, but if you need to do this then that's what I'd stick to.
Again, for me I don't even think he deserves that response. He doesn't deserve to get your reaction. Personally I just keep that to myself. I've expressed ZERO emotion in any way to XW since the revelation, I don't engage, and I just stick to business and keep my distance. I don't want any type of connection with that woman, I don't want her to know what's in my mind, and there's no amount of emotional distance I can create that is too much. Any emotional interaction is continuing the relationship, and that's a relationship I want dead, buried, and in an unmarked grave.
OK, I got a little carried away again. Clearly this resonates with me, and all I can say is that I loathe what he is putting you through. You don't need to be angry eternally, but for today I think it's ok to punch a few pillows.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
