The start of something new???

[betterm]

previous post:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2677486&page=11

[cbtdad]

Well done!!! Way to hold your stance and not lose your temper

[betterm]

okay, so...

She called, I answered, she asked how the dogs were etc etc then asked if I was staying there tonight. I told her I was, and that I was about to leave to go run some errands but wouldn't be gone too long. Her, "I'd like to stay there tomorrow night." Me: "that's fine, I never said you couldn't stay here". Her: "so, are you going to leave? where will you sleep?", Me, "I'm going to sleep here."

then it started. She went on with 'its not fair, you're being a complete dick and you know it, that is my house too, do you really want to spend our money on lawyers to figure out the living situation, on and on and on... I just responded, I hear what you're saying and I can see how you'd think I'm doing this to make things difficult, but all I want is some stability to move forward due to the circumstance. You can come see the pets, you can take the pets, but I am standing alone right now and you don't want me in your future.

then it goes worse. 'you were never in this relationship', 'you never cared, you never loved me', 'if you care about bettering yourself so much, where the Hell was that ambition before, i don't care that your working on you, i want to be able to sleep in my house. tell me after all this time you haven't given a crap about anything,', ...and there was more.

all i did was respond back, validating how i understand how she can feel that way, and i know i've made mistakes and there is nothing i can do about that in hindsight. she went back to the 'not fair' thing and said even though this is HER decision to leave me, it's my fault and i'm the one that did this to us. I validated and said I'm aware of things I've done wrong, and I wish I could'v edone things differently, but I can't, and now you want to leave and all I can do is not stand in your way, but continue working on me.

this was followed with, 'fine, you know what, lets just stay married, is that okay? is that what you want?' I said, eventually i'd like to find myself in a happy marriage, and while I respect your decisions, i am not in agreeance that D is the solution to our problems.

then a whole bunch of yelling and anger, and more references to how i've never been there in the past, but now that she wants me gone i don't have the respect for her to go away.

then she hung up on me...

thanks for the critique, I know better than to say "but" after a validating statement, but got knocked a little lopsided for a minute. I did the best I could to stay calm, be nice, but stern.

I know some will say I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel really bad. Yeah, she's hurt from a ton of things I did wrong in the past... but she won't let it go. I wrote a letter acknowledging all these things, and gave no "buts", "explanations", or "justifications", just simply stating I understand what she is upset about. But she is unwilling to accept it, or forgive, and if that never happens, then our 'future' will be doomed anyways.

I get that she was "supposed" to get pissy, and I actually feel like the yelling and dismantling of my past, might have (maybe) let out a little bit of those bottled up angers against me, which could be a turning point...

Well, it will be a turning point. The way that went, it could lead to her say Eff it and I'm coming home and going to badger the crap out of him while I'm there every time I see him, or might actually put her over the edge to file for D. Who knows...

My heart is still racing, I'm still full of FUD, and I have no clue when I'll hear from her again. Or maybe the next time I show up to the house when she's there I get stun-gunned and she claims I attack. Who... Knows... ?

[betterm]

She also seemed 'very confident' about getting attorneys involved and that they CAN, in fact, force a structured separation in a marital home. I don't know if that was a bluff, or if her consulted attorney actually told her that. I immediately called mine and waiting to hear back from her.

[betterm]

Not gonna lie, when she said, 'fine, let's just stay married, we'll be unhappy together forever', part of me thought, yeah, once we get back in the same house, I can start rebuilding! Errr, probably wrong answer

[ciluzen]

Ok, so now do the work. You heard her vent. You wrote her words down. Journal her words and your feelings about them. Use them to work on you. Don't talk to her about it right now. It's raw and bleeding and she can't understand anything beyond her hurt.
Stand your ground about the living arrangement.she has a journey of self discovery and healing to take...let her.

You also need to make one.Leave her to herself. Focus on YOU. This will take time. That's why there are so many resources on here. People post what they learn and share it. Read the homework Cadet provides. But above all, remember you love her. Somehow she has felt hurt enough that she wants out. Respect her feelings enough that you will try to understand the part you played. But do it alone for now. You both need space from each other to heal. That's OK. And that's why you reinforce her decision to leave while you stand by your decision to stay. It's part of your growth to stay and hers to find out how to make it on her own.

[EDF]

She also seemed 'very confident' about getting attorneys involved and that they CAN, in fact, force a structured separation in a marital home. I don't know if that was a bluff, or if her consulted attorney actually told her that.

Sounds like talking to your lawyer is definitely a good thing to be on the safe side, but as you note, it very well could be a bluff. Given that she's seemingly tried every other tactic she can think of as well, it seems more likely. And if she really had solid legal standing, wouldn't she have led with that a lot sooner?

[betterm]

Following up after the blowout call... My work's payroll screwed up and my direct deposit still went into joint checking. I immediately pulled it out cash withdrawal. About an hour after the blowout call, she called and asked if I withdrew money. I told her yes... she said why? I told her that because she is threatening to hire lawyers every other conversation, and we don't have much money, I needed to be certain that if you do choose to retain an attorney, the bills can still get paid... she actually took it 'not bad'.

then she said, 'i think you're making things ways more complicated than they need to be. I said, "okay, my intentions are not to complicate matters, I'm only trying to make sure there is money left to pay the bills. Her, "I just can't believe you're doing this. I can't believe you are acting this way. You're being a d*ck and you know it. You know, all this is doing is driving me further away from you! what are you expecting to gain out of this?"

I said, 'you say that like you're expecting me to try to win you back into the marriage. you told me you wanted a divorce, so what else am I supposed to expect? It doesn't really get much "further away" from your spouse than a permanent divorce, so I'm just trying to find ways I can improve myself now.'

...this comment through me for a loop... further away? is she expecting me to chase after her and win her back? this comment alone tells me she's so uncertain and confused and scared... and then I'm left confused.

[WSB]

Stop!

Just stop reading into her, don't try and interpret anything. Just like in every other thread the 1 commonality whether you have a WAW/WAS if your a left LBS or if you're dealing with an A, stop letting the other person dictate what you do or how you feel.
I know it's easier said than done and we are all going to make mistakes but the sooner you realize it's now about you there better. You keep saying to her you're just trying to work on me now. Stop saying that just do it.
It's so hard when there is so much emotion and confusion and hope and desperation involved but you've got to figure out a way to disengage and focus on you or your children if there are any involved. Everything else needs to be put aside
It's goes against everything our body and mind want to do but it's what needs to be done, plain and simple

[SH_]

...this comment through me for a loop... further away? is she expecting me to chase after her and win her back? this comment alone tells me she's so uncertain and confused and scared... and then I'm left confused.

betterm,

Please refer to the DB rule, Do not believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do.
And that said, I encourage that you do not try to mind read, by trying to interpret anything she said.

This comment should not be telling you anything, the confusion comes from trying to makes sense out of a statement made from and emotional state, that you cannot believe if you stick to DB guidance.

Hang in there my friend and stay the course. You have been provided with a lot of good advice and information. Don't get caught up in mind reading and assumptions based on things she says.