P, I think what you are doing is great. I can't see how it would benefit you to add on that stress right now. You have all the time you need to worry about the logistics, and he is not doing anything to push you.
It sounds like our Hs and their "mommy issues" might be similar. Yikes. Hindsight is always more clear. I realize now tho, that it was not my responsibility to read his mind. It was up to him to tell me what he needed and where things were going wrong. It was his choice (poor coping) to run and ultimately it did not serve him well. I think people learn better with their own consequences rather than being told where they are going wrong; I try and apply this to my parenting too.
So MC was different yesterday. We had not gone in almost 2 months and this was a single appt. She doesn't have a regular time slot right now and in a way I am glad. This appt was different. For the first time since piecing, we decided to take a step back from working on things in the M and to start focusing more on ourselves. Detachment says what!?! Doesn't it always come down to that?
So I left feeling slightly sad. I think he has been wanting this for awhile, but I have struggled to disengage from the triggers and cycling. H was trying to reach out after the appt, wanted to spend time with me, and was doing lot's of temp checking. I took a giant step back, made other plans, and then went out last night with friends. He held on tight when I came home. I am not trying to punish him or ignore him, but I am feeling naturally like I want to protect myself and create some space right now.
This is not a separation, but an acknowledgement that we are going in some of the same circles and repeating patterns. It is hard to piece when there is residual hurt and anger. Which is why I keep saying over and over and over--work on you, DB for you, detach for you. This is what will make your relationships stronger.
So I did my first watercolor painting. Went to my meeting. Then went out with friends last night. I have several nice plans today as well. I am giving myself a break from thinking about H. Something I could have done a lot more of before.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
