Some days are better than others

[EDF]

Two things to report.

The Dance Party
I ended up just going home as usual, said 'hello' and when she asked what I was up to I told WW I needed to get ready quick cause I was going out. She asked what I was doing and I mentioned I was probably going to a dance party, but might hit a different place or go play pool instead. Tried to be a little mysterious.

She mentioned she was probably going to the party as well, but "had to meet a work friend first to finalize an event coming up the next day" (yea, sure. I didn't react; no proof; just figured I would do my thing and she would do whatever she does and I would act like I could care less what she does). Neither of us explicitly invited the other.

Ultimately I got ready and left the house first. She showed up at the bar about 45 minutes after I did and came to hang out by me and we bounced to a few different joints during the night. I waited for her initiate things; friendly conversations but no real touching.

The other item is that after her post-confrontation "let me explain things" talk a couple days ago, I ended up giving her my PDF of a book on women's infidelity I read. Obviously that is no doubt throwing up lots of red flags to everyone. But the reality is it was something I had been thinking about for some time and felt she may be nearing a point mentally where the info would be useful to her. I am taking ownership of my actions - if things implode horribly perhaps I can at least be a cautionary tale.

I approached it by validating that I heard her frustration about not knowing why this was happening, and mentioned that one of the books I read mentioned some social/biological factors that may contribute to some of the feelings she is having, and I could give her a copy if she wanted. I mentioned that according to reviews many women in her situation had felt almost like the book was written about them personally, and that the book wasn't really pro-marriage or pro-ending things, but just explaining some of the factors. She said yes to me sending the book, so I did. (I realize that her agreeing to something could easily have been simply a smoke screen)

In the interests of transparency, my rationale behind giving her the PDF was:

• She has mentioned several times (that night and previously) hating not knowing why she has these feelings and "wishing she knew whether it was just a phase or a biological thing".
• She had made similar comments in her personal journal.
• Although she doesn't respect me as a husband right now, she still seems to respect my opinion on other things. About 3 weeks ago when she was talking about having trouble processing her feelings, I had mentioned a counselor I had come across that I had been considering for MC, but that I thought she might be a good person for WW to talk to if she ever wanted help working through her complicated situation. I offered I could give her the contact info if she wanted it and she said yes so I did. A couple weeks later she went to see that counselor.
• My wife has constantly been looking for physiological answers (iron deficiency? gluten? adrenaline system problems?) to problems (fatigure, depression) she has been having so I felt the book might resonate with her.
• When I have experimented with dropping little nuggets I've gleaned from research (eg Open Relationships not working well when the marriage is in crisis) when I felt she was expressing genuine frustration and being receptive, it has went well.
• She has never been yelling/vindictive/retaliatory with me during this [censored] up situation.
• Even if she ignores it, once it is in her email she will at least be aware of the potential resource if she reaches a point where she is open to it.
• Although her heart is definitely still wayward, the current OM situation has seemed to be petering off (fairly verified from snooping).

A couple related points worth mentioning:

• I figure in 99.9% of situations, giving the WW a book on cheating would be one of the stupidest moves a LBS could make.
• I am under no illusion that this is a quick fix, or even guaranteed to ever make things better, and there's a chance it could make things worse. Heck, she may read about the intoxicating effect of affair sex and decide "hell yes, that's what I need right now".
• This was not a spur of the moment decision; I had been considering this for a while now as I felt she was nearing a point where it might help her figure things out, regardless of whether that meant reconciling or ending things.

So... I did it and we'll see how things pan out.

Since giving her the book,there have been a couple indications the past couple days that she has started reading it:

• she made a quip in our martial arts class to a pair of guys sparring about "men's estrogen levels going up as they age".
• she texted a girlfriend of hers "I think I found out what I'm going through. Just need to read the book."

Again, I want to strongly reiterate to anyone else considering doing this that it is probably a horrible idea to ask the WW if she wants a book about women cheating . Time will tell I guess whether my instincts were right here or not; I accept the consequences either way.

I'm coming increasingly to accept that I don't want my wife back as she currently is; or as she has been. Even if she decides to reconcile, she may not be willing to really do what is needed, or I may not be able to reach a point to forgive her. I feel the person I am becoming now, and the person she has the potential to become if she makes it through her own metamorphosis, could build something new and great, but for now I will just go back to refocusing on:

• GAL.
• stop snooping.
• don't pursue.

Whatever happens, I'll make it.