Destruction - 1

[speeder]

This year:

1-16
We have her BF and other H over and there is lots of drinking & dancing in front of our fireplace. We've known them 20 years. (Unknown to me, other H is falling for my W). In a confiscated letter way back in 2009, W admitted to OM#1 she had feelings for her BFs H.
My best friend and brother come over for the third weekend so W goes to her BFs overnight. (Unknown to me, the other H confesses he loves my W)

2-16
We're having a backyard fire and invite friends over. W started drinking at 1 pm. Her BF and other H came over at 2 and we all proceed to drink casually. W and the other H are very similar and BF and myself are very similar. There's always some flirting fun and foolery about. We've known them 20 years, taken trips together and generally done lots of fun outings together. Despite all the laughs and suggestive sexual innuendos, no line has ever been crossed. We've all been married 25 years. W and the other H casually turn drinking into a competition and get wasted. They both sit outside on the front porch talking while best friend and I talk inside. I tell BF they better slow down. At 7pm the first guest arrives and by 7:30 my W is passed out. I help her to bed and she pukes on the floor etc. The other H naps on the couch and miraculously revovers to enjoy the party as the other guests arrive and I explain W is out for the night. Other H goes into our bedroom to check on my W too. This other H... It seems like everything my W likes, he does too. He had always been quiet on Facebook but now he actively shares stuff with her, likes her photos etc.
In February, we had sex more often, close to double the norm. It hasn't been this frequent since her EA prior to BD in 2009. We did have a romantic three day, two night Valentines Day getaway which contributed though.

3-16
W assembles a playlist of her favorite songs (reminded me of her sharing songs with OM #1 prior to BD in 2009).
(Unknown to me PA occurs when W and other H meet halfway to talk and end up in hotel). That evening I help W with an event she was teaching. She asked me to take pictures with my phone as hers was dying. Mine was too, so I grabbed hers later and was surprised to see a lock screen on it. A week ago there wasn't one. I acted dumb. Struck me as odd.
St. Patricks Day, W and I were both home when BF and other H arrived. Drinking again resumed and was heavy as the four of us had a wonderful home cooked meal and  listened to music and even danced. At times we'd couple off for small moments. A few times I was aware that it shouldn't take nearly 5 mins for the two of them to go to the garage for more beer. One time I saw W giving a weird drunken smile to other H. She drank too much again and didnt remember a large duration of the previous night. The four of us did some shopping and that night went out to eat and see live music. The next day we all went for a hike. Afterwards BF and other H went back to their hotel and W and I got cleaned up and had sex (she told me to casually bring it up in conversation). Perhaps to set the tone shes irristable and that kinda girl to the other H? Following lunch we split up with each others spouse and talked. A lot of different subjects and relationship talks. BF asked me if W left if I'd be okay? Absolutely I'd be fine. I pay for the house and I am the source of my happiness. I wouldn't want W to leave but I'd not be crushed if she did. I thought to myself there's no way W would give up her life, pets etc to have a relationship with other H. he's just an emotional fantasy at best. Saturday night W had to teach a 2 hr jewelry party so the other couple went back to their hotel. I was not to see them again...W recieved a text from other H, that BF and he were fighting and they drove the 100 miles back home and immediately separated. NF in the house with S19 and D22, and other H at his sisters.

4-16
W passwords her computer and says 'I don't know what she needs' and 'I don't get her' and 'I will never be able to understand or give her what she needs'. I asked her flat out to help me and she says she's done and tired of trying. I asked her three questions to fill in the blank.
I NEED YOU TO... leave me alone
I WANT YOU TO... stop touching me
I'd RATHER YOU NOT... pout and complain

A search of W's computer produced this letter to OM confirming PA. Written 3-26-16.

Last night you sent a text to me. “…still thinking of you.” Still? Still. So it’s finite—after only a few days. Curt. Ungiving. Unloving. Something you send to someone who’s nearly meaningless to you. And I deserve this? I guess you feel I do when it turns out you end up resenting me because you’re blaming me, consciously or otherwise, for the turmoil you’re in now. But I didn’t do this to you, you did. You allowed her to have her say, now it’s my turn.

This lunar eclipse energy is all about showing you what you need to see. I meditated with my group, and we were told that we may see things that we won’t want to see, but that we must see, in order to best serve us. And I have seen.

I have seen that what there was between us is far different than what I believed. Soulmates. I think I have been very, very wrong. And I feel like SUCH a fool. Do you laugh when you hear me use that word? Soulmate? Was it even a concept you had any stock in?

There were so many signs I missed in my fervor to believe someone would love me the way I crave. When I really thought about the balance of our “relationship,” it is not so balanced at all. What risks I have taken for you! I have made you beautiful things, several of them—pieces of my soul. I have no pieces of your soul. You have given me none. No risk. Not even the shirt I asked for. Too much. I didn’t expect anything from you, of course, but when I think about how it was important to me to give you something of me to keep with you when I couldn’t be near, I realized it that it was important to me that I have reciprocity from you, that I needed you to feel that too. But you did not. Even the rock that you had found on a walk, you presented to me in front of your wife and she touched it first—you handed it to her and then she to me. How symbolic. How did I miss that?

That day we met—I kissed my husband goodbye in the morning and hello back at the end of it. Your own spouse wasn’t even home that day. No risk. Why did you need to leave so soon, you had no one to answer to! You had adult children in the house who most likely didn’t really even notice your absence. Are you that monitored, that controlled, on that short of a leash that your wife still needed to know your every move, even when she wasn’t home? Or did you make it up as an excuse to leave after you got what you came for? I came home completely destroyed by that experience, in terms of giving you all of myself and for the lying that needed to happen for me to be able to give to you. All risk. What did you do when you got home that day? Have a snack? Watch a show? Or lay in your bed and cry, the way I did?

I think about the most intimate act there that day, when you were ready to cum inside me. You didn’t face me--you quickly turned me away. How did I miss the import of that? What volumes that speaks to me now. I wish I’d figured this out sooner. Gods, this hurts to realize what it was for you, compared to what it was for me. Fool.

My house—my  home, my sanctuary—is filled with the residual energy of our passionate kissing in many rooms. My fireplace is ruined by the energy of you playing risk-taker in front of your sleeping wife, who wasn’t so sleepy after all. Is that what that was for you?? The thrill of pushing it to the edge and not getting caught?? There’s the risk, finally, eh? Ugh, that’s awful. Now I am haunted by those memories every time I walk through my home. How to get rid of that?

Even my Dunes, my sacred Dunes, are tinged with the ugly energy of competitiveness and selfishness. I wanted to share them with you, not with her. You didn’t protect or even acknowledge that. Because it didn’t mean anything to you…again, I missed that. Instead of wanting to share something sacred of mine with me, you were looking to knock out a physical challenge, so you could say, been there, done that. I believe you even said something to that effect when we were driving back. And of course she just wanted to piss on my territory and prove to you that she could do it, that I have nothing over her. That she could follow you, as you told her you wanted. How do I get rid of that?

So I am a catalyst, the prompt you needed to shake up your marriage and make it what you want. Or, perhaps, to end it. Who knows…certainly not I.  I am not someone who you feel the need, the desire, to communicate with. “Sorry,” you said, to have been “fairly uncommunicative.” No, you’re not. It’s obviously a choice. That’s the great part of a “relationship” that’s pretty much virtual. You pick and choose when you want to deal with someone and when you simply make them go away. Click.  Even this ending will be easy. Read this, delete it and be done. You won’t see me ever again. You won’t have to. So easy. I’m the easiest thing you ever had, in many ways.

I feel that I have been loving, kind, patient and compassionate towards you, through it all--What do you need? What can I send you? Are you okay? How do you feel? However, I find your actions towards me are neither loving nor kind. How awful to feel like a pest, an afterthought, a pain in someone’s ass. Oh, throw me a scrap, a word, a thought every now and then! firetruck that. I am better than that. I am worth more. I deserve better. She was very correct in her assessment that you are a selfish man. That I can see now, now I see why she said that over and over through the years. You feel what you feel, and can see no one else through that. I have no idea how that works, it is not something I am capable of, and I am very sorry to have chosen a second man to love who operates that way. Obviously a life lesson for me. Fool.

The one thing I told you you could hurt me with the most, you have done. Shame on me for giving you the key to shattering me, and then being surprised when you used it. Love, to me, means that you do everything in your power to not hurt the other, and especially not with The One Thing. Cruelty, in its most exquisite form, is exactly that: Use The One Thing to hurt them. Cruel man. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.

That sound, that sound I doubt you hear, is the sound of my heart breaking in a thousand pieces. I want you to hear it. I want you to know that you firetrucked with--profoundly, deeply and severely firetrucked with--a real person with real emotions and real investment. Now I must figure out how to--how did you say it--shovel the pieces back in.

I know I’m supposed to thank you for the lesson here, for the very, very cruel lesson of giving myself to the wrong person. Yet again. Fool. But I don’t feel thankful right now. The only word I have for you is, goodbye.

The comment about passionate kissing in the house was hearsay from what I had said but it could've been. She adamantly said she'd never have done that in our home. I guess the fundamental cause of the fling was how they both felt they never had time to talk without BF being around. The desire to pursue this nagging draw towards each other that had been building for years. My hate for this man burns. The relationship between the four of us is gone. I then got ILYBINILWY
We also talked about W just being done with me. So very done as she pointed out trust failings of mine the last few years and I agreed they were ways I failed her. I had to step outside myself and see her opinion and see that yeah I do suck from time to time. Its easy when things fail to point at the infidelity but happy women don't cheat. She is such a well spoken person. Her tone was calm and reasoning throughout
When the light went out she said "I'm sorry." and I too quickly said "I forgive you." The last time I remember looking at the clock was 3:09am and sighed a relief she said that.
The next day W drove to meet her BF and confessed it all. W dropped me on Facebook and we all took weeks away as BFs family and friends have flamed her. W has told everyone she knows its because of my mistreatment of her and she wants D. I have confided only in my best friend and a coworker. I had for years been trying to restore the fragile relationships between W and my family and am not going to reveal until I have to at D.

5-16
We are in IC and have gone once or twice. W still lives in the home with myself, S14 and S16. She goes to her brothers at bedtime 3 miles away to sleep. While at the house I try to keep away, be busy, and remain dim or look for outings to keep away. W and I are for the most part civil towards each other except when she corners me for relationship talks from which I work on empathy, agreeing, understanding and acceptance. Every few days it's the same thing as she tries to justify her guilt and shame. S21 and S23, who share an apartment together, are 100% on my side and hate her for what she's doing. S23 issued an ultimatum he will not speak to W until other H is out of the picture. She replied "so be it". BF and I have talked some and she intitially did everything wrong-I sent her some links and she says she has not seen other H in over a month as he has not seen his kids either. Other H and my W have been together in March prior to BD and once since (overnight as my nephew confirms the night she didn't sleep there). W is not close enough to any friends to stay overnight, having never even been to their homes.

W will not do any paperwork, apartment or D until July 1st as she respects some astrological planetary retrograde happening right now. I am hopeful she goes the route of getting her own apartment first and D is second. She plans to get her own place in town to still be near the kids, but yesterday mentioned moving to FL to be with her dad and quitting her job. She is not a good saver and makes less than 26k a year. The house we bought has no equity and is a struggle to own. W is fine with me having it and kids living there. She will not stop her affair as they love each other.

She mentioned earlier this week I would not see her tonight, hinting a rendevous with other H. If not this weekend than next holiday weekend for sure for infidelity time #3+. It is my preference we can R, or I can outlast her EA/PA by standing and remaining dim/dark.