I'm caught up on you sitch now, and, again, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you are here. Your H's signals are very confusing. My H sent me incredibly confusing signals for the first 3 months he was gone, and I let myself hope. I even started to tell people, 'H left me in December, but I think he's coming back.' Well... My hopes were decimated after that and I was much worse off than if he had just left me and never said another word.
Hope is a double-edged sword, and I have learned that, for me, hope was my enemy. I lost 3 months during which I could have been starting to heal.
Remember that you shouldn't believe a word your H says right now, and that means you can't believe either the good OR the bad. Don't get hopeful because he throws you a few crumbs. Don't be devastated because he spews some poison in your direction. Consider the source, and know that the source is no longer credible.
One thing I will absolutely stress to you is how important it is to go see your doctor and talk about what's going on in your life. I saw a doc very very early in this process and I have been seeing her regularly ever since. Initially she gave me meds for anxiety, and then when I started showing more signs of reactive depression I got started on anti-depressants. In hindsight, I wish I had started them sooner. When H pulled the rug out from under that hope I had, I crashed big time.
That was the point at which I started reaching out in every possible direction for help. You need to do the same. Be willing to do whatever it takes to get the help you need. Reach out in any way you can. Sorry this repeats my reply to you on my own thread.
There is one other thing you need to know, ahmeds. Anything you feel right now is completely normal. When you feel sad, or angry, or frustrated, or anything at all, acknowledge your feelings, know that they are normal, and let those feelings pass through you. Don't fight it or try to stuff the emotions down. They will only get stronger and more insistent. This was a very hard lesson for me to learn. Its OK to be sad. Let yourself feel it.
If all you want to do is lie in bed, then allow yourself to do that for a day, knowing that you will get up, shower, get dressed, and do something different the next day.
Your heart is broken, but you are not. You are a normal person going through something that is incredibly difficult and painful.
(((ahmeds)))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
