WAW moved out, spewing anger, trying to detach

[CWOL]

Document every time she doesn't answer and your intent was to speak to child. Text her before and notify you are calling to talk to the child. Take screen shots of phone. Email her and tell her you tried reaching child on x days at x time. Attempt to solidify a specific time to call in the email and continue calling. It will force her hand and give you proof of her keeping the child from you. On your side though, when you do call to speak to child, do not talk about anything else with W.

I've been wondering the rules on this as well. My WW is like yours, selectively answering my texts on childcare issues. My S11 has a cell phone and when he was with me, I didn't want him to keep texting my WW all the time for small things. I told him to check with me first. When he's with WW now, I text him once in a while but I don't want to keep clinging on him either. Are we supposed to provide access 100% of the time to the other parents? How does it work?

[Phoebe]

There are no true stages to grief, if that's what you are getting at, SadHub.

Another tidbit from my grief counseling book: the old Kubler-Ross model was actually based on the experiences of people who were diagnosed with terminal illness themselves. It doesn't really apply to those who have to keep on living. It's another false idea that most of us have been taught about grieving - that we will start with denial, then go to anger, and so on.

The reality is that we cycle between every emotion possible, there is no set path or order to those emotions. We don't progress from emotion A to B then to C in linear fashion. Everyone's path is their own, and, as you are experiencing, you can feel sadness, then anger, then numbness, then sadness, then... anything! I think that your muted feelings may be a sign that you are starting to process your grief. Whatever you are feeling, or not feeling, is totally normal and part of your own grieving process.

That you are sleeping better is wonderful! I thought I was, too, based on one night without any sleep-aids, but then I barely slept last night. Back to the silly benadryl.

Is it possible to just let the paperwork ride for now and save yourself the aggravation of having to keep asking for it? I know you want it over with already, but unless it changes something major, perhaps you should consider backing off on the pursuit of the paperwork for your own well being. It will come eventually.

Definitely document the obstruction of your contact with D5. Is she allowed to talk to D5 on your time together? Is there something formalized about this in your co-parenting agreement? If she is impinging on agreed-upon contact, then that's a real problem, but if it's not in writing, well... I suspect it's a lot less clear-cut. It's certainly something to discuss with your L.

I hope you get a good night's sleep again.

(((SadHub)))

[SH_]

V, thank you for the prayers. They are being answered as it has been a good week for d17 and I.

Sadsara, my d17 is an angel and I am the luckiest father on the planet to have been chosen by God to raise and care for her. She has been a great source of strength and inspiration through this ordeal.
Thank you for your support and kind words.

Melo, ralph and cwol, thank you for your continued support and words of wisdom. I really appreciate it.

Phoebe, dear Phoebe. Always there checking in on me, sharing words of wisdom and comfort. You are truly a guardian angel placed on my path and I am and will be forever grateful that our paths have crossed in a time of need.

Thank you for your feedback on the stages as it is confusing at times, as I have typically prided myself on being in control of feelings. These months have been a ride that has felt out of control in a way that is very unfamiliar. Perspective is of great value for me, and you always have a knack for providing that for me.

Thank you.

[SH_]

Journaling and quick updates.

This week I have been in a numb place emotionally. I sense a storm of feeling under the surface, but none take shape.

I met with IC today, and my psyc eval shows I am up at the highest point in all of my visits. In talking with him, it seems as if a switch was flipped last week when WAW started to spew a familiar script at me and it did not phase me. It seems as if WAW noticed it had no affect on me and her outbursts have simmered down. She was almost a civil mature adult this afternoon when I picked up d5 and she gave me the signed paperwork for the finances.

I had been anxious about having to see WAW's family at d17 graduation tomorrow, but as I sit here now, I have no feelings, thoughts nor anxiety about it. The nervousness, and worry of it all are absent. I only feel excitement for d17 and this milestone that she has reached. She is excited for the next stage in her life.

Another thing that came up in chat with IC is that I see WAW in a manner where I feel bad for her. I know she is hurting, I know that she has a responsibility for us being in this situation, and I know that she is projecting the things she is struggling with on me. I want to help her, take care of her, but I accept that she is free to make her choices, no matter what it is that has driven her to this point. She is acting as the victim, and her need to pull me down may be a driving factor for her behavior. Her circle of friends since she dropped the BD has diminished. She spends hours each day on the phone with her parents, brother, and twin sister. She works, stays late and then goes to her place and sleeps. This is not the dream she was chasing, but this is what she is doing. This is what she was doing for the last year and a half. She had checked out, pushed me away, and then blamed me for her unhappiness. But now she will have to face the truth that her happiness is dependent on her actions and efforts. But now I ramble on, but I actually feel bad for her at this point.

Her most recent act of trying to control me was with the finance paperwork that she has balked at for the last month and a half was to tell me Sunday morning she was ready to sign. Monday night no word from her on this. I text her asking the plan. She ignores the text. Tuesday night, still no word. I text her the same message. She responds a bit after I send the text and says she will give it to me Wed afternoon. She does. I see signature date was Monday. I see her actions of delay and anything else contrary to what I may want or what she thinks I may want as her attempts to control the situation. I feel bad for her, because the same outcomes happen as if they would without her delay. She gains nothing, except a sense of control over me. As I have found pairence and live in the moments, she sees this. I know she does and she is losing control. I am getting drowsy now. I think I am rambling. So I will end this update.

But in spite of my concern for WAW, my focus goes to d5. On our way home, she told me that she asked her mommy when she was moving back with daddy. She said that mommy said never, because I did not help them. D5, then said daddy. You have to help mommy so she will move back with you. I told d5 I would do my best and then I asked her why she was asking mommy about this. She said, daddy, it makes me sad that mommy is not with you. This hurts the heart. My baby deserves better than this. I will continue on the path towards making the best for my baby girls. I don't know what that looks like, but I will not rest in my attempts to be the best father for them and pray that I can provide all that they need.

I will pray for all the families going through challenging times this night.

Sleep well and may God bless each of you with strength, peace and comfort.

[Phoebe]

Anytime you need a 2x4, SadHub, I'll be here swinging!

I am really happy to hear that it's been a good week! Can you imagine me saying that to you a few weeks ago?!? We have both come a long ways in not a lot of time. A few weeks ago we were just looking forward to a single good day, heck maybe even just a good hour. Aw, who am I kidding? Some days it seemed like a stretch just to survive. Now look at us!

Proud of you, my friend.

(((SadHub)))

[Phoebe]

I see we were typing at the same time again. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to hear things like that from D5. My heart breaks for you just reading the words. You and your Ds deserve so much better, but your pity for your WAW, despite it all, speaks volumes for your character. Calm in the face of the storm, and pity for the storm's maker.

Another marker of progress, SadHub. Your W is truly a fool.

Wishing you a smiley sort of day tomorrow!

[1gr8dad]

SadHub, I agree, I started to cry when I read about what your D5 said. Please be strong. The good thing is she is still too young to have very strong feelings and all she needs is your love and constant reminder of it.

I read that it's important for both D5's Mom and Dad never talk badly of the other in front of the child because it shakes their world. Your WW should be made aware that her comments about you are harming her own D. While you cannot control WW, you can hold your end in this regard.

Every night I have my D3 say prayers and to thank God for both Mommy and Daddy. My WW somehow found out I was doing this and thanked me

[PsySara]

My heart just broke when I read your daughter's words. It's stuff like this that makes me so furious over the selfishness of the WAS/WS. they have this delusional fantasy that the partner is all the problems of their lives bundled into one neat package. so they burn the bridges and start acting like a teenager, meanwhile the LBS and child(ren) are the collateral damage. It's what makes detaching so hard. If it were just two adults hashing it out, well that's one thing. But to rack the foundation of a child's world like that...well, it's just horribly selfish.

[rich4j]

Journaling and quick updates.

But in spite of my concern for WAW, my focus goes to d5. On our way home, she told me that she asked her mommy when she was moving back with daddy. She said that mommy said never, because I did not help them. D5, then said daddy. You have to help mommy so she will move back with you. I told d5 I would do my best and then I asked her why she was asking mommy about this. She said, daddy, it makes me sad that mommy is not with you. This hurts the heart. My baby deserves better than this. I will continue on the path towards making the best for my baby girls. I don't know what that looks like, but I will not rest in my attempts to be the best father for them and pray that I can provide all that they need.

I will pray for all the families going through challenging times this night.

Sleep well and may God bless each of you with strength, peace and comfort.

OMG .......SAdhub....my heart just sank when i read that about d5. It is my #1 fear that keeps me up at night and losing my "stuff" when I cry about my D. She exhibits all the "i want mommy" symptoms as she spends less and less time with her and I feel for you.

That your W said that is just wrong and she should stick to the never and not take shots. Its the 101 of parenting in this type of situation and hope you nail her down on this to never bring up again. Your a great dad and just keep doing what you need to for supporting them Ugh...gets me pissed off.

[Phoebe]

Hi SadHub. I'm just wondering how you are doing today. Yesterdays's post was tough, and I know that you were worried about facing your W's family at the graduation ceremony today.

Despite the possible difficulties, I'm sure that you are feeling incredibly proud of your D17. Congratulations on having shepherded your child from birth to this point, and for having raised such an incredible young woman. She wouldn't be the person she is if she hadn't had a great father.

I hope that you have a restful sleep and that tomorrow brings you peace after today's challenges.

Chocolate and pencil smiles.

(((SadHub)))