I don't know what her intent was. She claimed wanting to reconcile at the hearing for the OFP, was upset when I filed D, met with my IC, but refused MC. I am confused! I think at the end of the day it just follows the script, and I am sure I am to blame in her eyes because I filed D... With no thought about the fact that I sit in limbo with no house or money or toys for my kids... And she gets to go out and have fun with our toys, gets to live in our house. I can't "force" her to see that I guess. I shouldn't have to explain it to her, if she can't see that, she lacks the insight that I would want in a M.
The sad thing is, the things she listed in the OFP have slight connections to reality... A very very skewed reality. Not the r@pe thing though, that's over the top, but she does seem to honestly believe that one too, I think.
I will look up those threads you talk about. It is frustrating, I never wanted to learn about all this legal stuff, so I just always kept my nose clean. And here I am fighting things and researching things I have never even heard of to try to save my own butt, while she's out having fun.
I agree about being baited... I wonder that too. Not just to be insulting yet again, but I honestly don't think she is smart enough to figure some of these things out.
But she seems to think I am having her followed, truth is it is a small town and stuff gets back to me whether I want it to or not. So she already thinks I am taking the bait, but I'm not. Sad, scary, I am afraid to be anywhere near her.
Yeah, I have some anger. It is one of the things I am working on. I believe she was hyper sensitive to that too, even though I think she actually had more anger than I did. Did she cause my anger? Well, better question, did I allow her to push my buttons by having buttons? I will have to admit yes to that one. When I realize anger coming out, which I did about 1/2 the time, I can stop it instantly, return to a calm state and talk calmly. I think that drove her even more crazy though, maybe came across as cocky, which was never the intent.
I was hoping the insults in my head would help me detach. Sometimes it does. Sometimes not. Sometimes it just brings more guilt about feeling that way about someone I loved. I just can't find any other reasons to give up on her, other than recent actions.
I knew all along she was super sensitive to insults, so I was always very very careful to not say anything that was insulting. I slipped once early in the M, said she was acting like a child. She was very upset, and not an angry upset but more of a sad upset. I felt terrible and made sure I never said anything like that again. I would put money on it that she remembers to this day, 20 years later. I felt so bad that I remember to this day.
I know I am guilty of not respecting her... Her book smarts, never bothered me, it never came out as resentment, I know that. If she asked me to help the kids with homework, I never thought anything bad of her. When she didnt think things through and it caused either serious inconveniences or it was hurfult, I know I vented that freely.
I know I yelled at times I didn't need to. I know I told her afterward that I didn't need to. I even asked her to help point it out if she noticed, if she pointed it out I immediately apologized.
I thought we had some fairly standard M issues, that we were working through some of them (obviously without help from MC or reading material though). I thought we'd get through this, and things would continue to improve.
