Look- IRL- part of my job is to keep the large healthcare organization I work for from getting sued. One of the things I handle are official grievances filed by patients through their health plans. I have to get an official response from the doctor involved and 9 times out of 10 - I have to heavily edit the response because they can't limit themselves to the issue at hand. The patient might complain they couldn't get the bactrim prescription they wanted and instead of replying with a simple "patient has liver damage and bactrim is contraindicated" - I will get something like "Patient is always argumentative and rude to me and my staff and is in denial about the extent of her liver damage.she would be hard pressed to find another provider who would take so much time with her and so thoroughly evaluate her health. She is welcome to find another doctor. Etc. etc."
When I read your proposed emails to your XW- I think of those doctor's responses. And I say this with tremendous empathy- because it absolutely stinks to try and co-parent in this situation and I know most of us who have a WAS feel like we never really got our say and we tend to look for opportunities to do so.
Nonetheless/ I am going to suggest something radical. Instead of making this about stability and convenience and who is living with her- perhaps you should consider which school will really be best for your kids. Have you looked into both of them? Why is the one she is proposing "better"? Is that based on test scores ( which shouldn't be the only things looked at), or what? I'm not discounting your stance that it is good to keep them in familiar social circles - that is an important consideration -however we are talking about starting kindergarten, right? That's going to be a change regardless, and there is no guarantee she will end up in a class with her buddies. I'm going to presume that, while this may add to you commute time, both options are feasible from a transportation perspective? Time to do a rational pro/con analysis of the schooling options. Have you toured both facilities? Talked to parents who have kids in these schools? This is not an endorsement of what your XW wants to do by the way/ I don't know what she means by it being a better school/ I'm just suggesting it will be more effective to keep your arguments to the question at hand - which is - what is the best school for your kids? For the record, the school my daughter attends had not done well on school testing, is on a corrective plan, looks bad on paper and I have been delighted with the education she has received. Just delighted.
So my advice is, when you respond, leave out all the stuff about her schedule and living arrangements. I know you are concerned about the stability of her housing situation, but that argument is not going to land. Honestly those things are her headache when she had the kids. I get it. I so, so get it. But. Your XW is going to do what she is going to do. Wild horses couldn't stop her right now. You have joint legal custody- you get an equal say I the choice of schools- but not in all the other stuff
By the way, I think you should call her on the legal stuff. Something like "look we obviously have a disagreement here- if you want to take this to a legal route- you are free to pursue that along with the time and expense - however I am willing to continue to try and work this out with you in the best interests of the children. We won't be able to litigate every disagreement. Here is what I suggest.."
Now, I've been on record before as saying that you have a right to know who is living with your children. And I still feel that way- I would just seperate that into a different conversation or at least a different topic in the email. Keep it simple. " As their father, I would like to know who will be living with my children. I'm sure you will appreciate the same consideration when my living circumstances change"
