To ignore or not to ignore?

[sr9e2d7]

I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore

[sr9e2d7]

So I'm super confused. Is the point of all of this to get him back someday or move on with my life?

[srt]

Hi, I too feel your pain and have been separated for nearly 8 months now.

I think the point of DB'ing is to repair yourself, that may or may not result in reconciliation, but it WILL ensure you are fit to take on what life is going to throw at you no matter what the future holds.

Like you, I too desire some certainty. The trouble is we cannot be the ones to dictate a timeline on this. Your spouse is uncertain, otherwise you would know what is happening. To force it would give you a bad result.

All we can do, for the small comfort it brings, is live our lives for ourself and children, and try and get to the state where our spouse cannot control us or our emotions. This can take months or even years (feels like it for me!).
Sandi's "rules" all have a sound basis, all you can do is follow these, remain cheery and "as-if" when in their company, and make sure you are assertive and not a door-mat. Be very aware of cake-eating and decline it - it will not ease your pain.

Sending you a virtual hug

[MrBond]

In all of your posts, you've only talked about your H and what he's doing, saying, etc.

Going back a bit. Were there problems in your M? What were conflicts that the two of you had? What were the things that you were responsible for? What were his complaints before?

[sr9e2d7]

the problem in our marriage was sex, lack of it (for him). We had sex frequently, just not frequently enough for him. So he left because he was unhappy, and to quote him "he's gonna find what makes him happy". Looking back, he's right. I didn't want to be intimate with him because he wasn't that nice to me. Never physically abusive, but angry.

Tonight he told me he's not ready to file for divorce and doesn't want me to either. But he doesn't know what he wants. Nothing has changed in the past five months that he's been gone, so what are we waiting for?! I can't live like this, in limbo and not knowing what's next.

[MrBond]

"Looking back, he's right. I didn't want to be intimate with him because he wasn't that nice to me. Never physically abusive, but angry. "

Have you ever told him this? To be honest, your situation seems to be easy to fix.

[sr9e2d7]

It does seem easy to fix - I've said that. We talked about how we never want to go back to the way things used to be. He says that for so long he felt I didn't want to be with him (sexually) and now he's not sure that he even wants it anymore. Like, he got so used to not having it that he doesn't even want it anymore. I can't make him want to be with me again. Either he does or he doesn't.

[MrBond]

But did you talk to him about the anger issues? Have you both tried something different sexually to start the fires going?

[sr9e2d7]

He isn't interested in being with me n

[sr9e2d7]

He wants another month before I file for divorce. I don't want to file, I just know that nothing is going to change ever if I don't make a move. He has zero responsibility for anything, including our daughter. Why shouldn't I file?