Been MIA for a couple days--working a lot this week and kiddos' activities every evening. In a way that has been good because I haven't had too much time to be anxious about going back to MC today. So yeah, that's happening. I think the break from it was good because I am going to approach it looking for concrete advice. Not sure I have the mental stamina to keep going through the hard stuff right now. I am honestly more motivated to find a new activity for myself--so much of my energy goes towards my kids when I am not at work--and I feel like I need a new beginning.
Phoebe, yes, hindsight is 20/20. I can trace back many years and see things with a new found clarity. I can't be hard on myself for it now tho because I was in a different place back then. ... One thing we have talked about is H's hardships growing up with his mom, and I think some of his hurt and anger were displaced on to me. I am the woman of the house, the mom, the decision maker, and he very much molded to me. I knew that all along, but I didn't know that it was painful for him and that he grew to resent me.
I am starting to agree that reopening old wounds isn't progress. I think I am finally ready to accept what happened in the past and work on moving forward. It is very easy to fall into old patterns and I am catching myself doing that. One way that I want to move forward is to treat the MC more like an agreement so we can work on specific behavioral changes. When we repeat the same patterns it is hard to move forward and it is also a trigger for both of us. For me, I just need a new hobby and activity; something I haven't done before.
Unbowed, thank you for checking in. I will look at your thread. We cannot mention other book titles here, but I think we are on the same page. This was a huge eye opener for H and me. He has read it more than once. It also helped me understand and appreciate his struggles, which I was blind to for many years. I will say, he has done a good job of making personal changes. He definitely tells me when he doesn't like something or agree with me and he holds firm on it. This has proven challenging during piecing, as he was the cause of a lot of destruction, but as I come to accept what happened, I can appreciate that these are necessary changes for him.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
