I came here just to empty my heart of so much pain. How much can one take until it is too much is a question that have been haunting me for quite some time.
It is S18 graduation time. He did it very well, finished strong. Then yesterday he tells me that XH asked him if he would like something from Pittsburg. Then explained that he is going there next week to meet the baby girl that has been adopted by his brother from France.
S18 said that maybe he could get a Steelers hat and XH said that it is too expensive and he may get a key chain instead.
S18 tells me all this and say that he does not want any party and that this whole graduation means nothing, and goes on and on saying all the negative things he can think about.
I know he needs to be more mature about it, but I just don't get why XH does this things. He is so clueless about other people's feelings.
I texted him asking if he wouldn't be here for his son's senior night and graduation and he answered me after 2hours that he is going out of state from Monday to wed. So yes, he will be here.
Why do I bother? Why in my mind I still think that there is any good that can come from him? Why I think that he will ever think anything besides himself? Why I still think that he wants to be part of this family?
I just question myself why did life showed me such person? Today I feel I wish I never met this man in my life. I am not even mad. I am just so disappointed that it hurts.
How can someone just let go and wash their hands of any responsibility? Why does my kids have a father as I had one, that tells other people about his pride to have such good kid and does not care at all about the kid?
I know you won't have the answers to me, I am just decompressing my heart because he is pushing it too far and I am so disgusted with the whole thing.
I tried to put myself in a compassion zone many times, I tried to see that he is confused and hurting, but I am just very tired of his BS.
I just feel more and more in my heart that it is time to let him go. I need to have this man totally out of my life. I can't move to another state right now. S16 wants to finish his high school here and I promised him I will respect that, but sometimes I just feel I want to go far, far away from him.
I can't cry, I tried yesterday and I just can't. I am angry, I am hurt and I am at my last straw. He did too much already.
I remember Wonka's words saying that normally it is the LBS that decides. I guess we get so tired of the disregard, that we let go and we don't want to have anything to do with it anymore in our lives. As we look inward, we start seeing that we were not so bad to start with.
I was hanging in there before, dealing with it all and everything that would come my way. I am still hanging in there and dealing with everything. So, why do I need him? I really do not need him for anything. I always did it all and I am still doing it all.
I guess it is time for me to face the truth and realize that it was not good and that is why we are in this situation. I won't ever be good, he does not care his children and much less about me, time to face it and accept what it is.
One more day with disappointment, one more day to realize I wasted my time thinking it could ever work.
