Hello BluWave and Rose888 and all DBers, Thank you so much for your concern and thinking of me and my meeting with H last Saturday. Between sleep deprivation and just taking a break from thinking about it all, haven't posted until now. The long and short of it is, it went better than I expected. I took almost the entire morning to meditate, read my DB coach notes and get my head and heart in the right space. I had a few mantras as well to keep my mind on track, one from DR book - 'how would I act if I expected a positive outcome?' I have to leave for work soon but will give a brief synopsis! For starters, I got to the cafe first - there's an outdoor area with a little stream running by so I got a table as far away as possible from the cafe and other people which I knew would help me remain calm. That worked. He arrived and walked up and first thing he was give me a big hug. Was NOT expecting that! I also followed the DR advice - let him set the tone and pace of the conversation. Now if you knew me - a couple things to keep in mind - I am a TALKER like the rest of my family, with a tendency to interrupt and not listen. Being honest here! Also, one of my nicknames in our family is 'crying sister' (I am the oldest w 3 brothers). That's the joke, as if my dog runs off, or there's a family situation with my Mom or whatever, I'm always the first to cry. So the fact that I held it together and did not allow myself to get emotional - or to show it when I felt it - is a minor miracle! He talked about how he'd been doing a bit, asked how I was doing. We did agree that we are both on 'healing journeys.' I didn't give a lot of detail but said I was seeing a therapist, had stopped watching the news and was on a spiritual journey in the desert. When there were pauses, I just let them be and waited for him to speak. Another miracle! A side note - my H has suffered from depression for most of his life, some times worse than others. Since last summer he has been healing and coming out of it. But I also realize that this is when it stared to feel like he'd been taken over by an alien, I now realize in hindsight. Irritable, short tempered, sarcastic, bla bla bla. He said he wants to be really close friends, to live on our property together, to go to the river together this summer. I said I needed to think about everything and we are meeting again this Saturday. The only big question I asked was if he was having an affair, I said, cause if you are, it would definitely not work out. He said no. I believe him. It's not his style really. I also said that, just because you decided to leave does not mean I stopped loving you. Maybe not the most skillful comment. He did try a few times to get into a bunch of details about money and bills and I answered his questions but then requested we not go into that too much at that meeting. This was never a great talent of ours to discuss money and I didn't want to get into any topic that could escalate in any way. ok, I have to go. There are most likely things I've forgotten to mention. My gut /heart/ intuition is telling me that developing our friendship IS the way to go. And it's not because I want to GET him back now. In fact, I realized, if he called today and said he wanted to move in together and work on our M I would need more time alone as well. Trying to keep him off our property, where I know he longs to be, I feel would be punitive, which my DB coach said NEVER leads to a good result. I hope you are both doing well and I'll catch up later today. Now I must get clear on my boundaries and how we could make this work in a way that benefits us both. A lot to ponder between now and Saturday. THANKS!!!!!!!!!
