WAW moved out, spewing anger, trying to detach

[SH_]

Journaling and quick updates.

This week I have been in a numb place emotionally. I sense a storm of feeling under the surface, but none take shape.

I met with IC today, and my psyc eval shows I am up at the highest point in all of my visits. In talking with him, it seems as if a switch was flipped last week when WAW started to spew a familiar script at me and it did not phase me. It seems as if WAW noticed it had no affect on me and her outbursts have simmered down. She was almost a civil mature adult this afternoon when I picked up d5 and she gave me the signed paperwork for the finances.

I had been anxious about having to see WAW's family at d17 graduation tomorrow, but as I sit here now, I have no feelings, thoughts nor anxiety about it. The nervousness, and worry of it all are absent. I only feel excitement for d17 and this milestone that she has reached. She is excited for the next stage in her life.

Another thing that came up in chat with IC is that I see WAW in a manner where I feel bad for her. I know she is hurting, I know that she has a responsibility for us being in this situation, and I know that she is projecting the things she is struggling with on me. I want to help her, take care of her, but I accept that she is free to make her choices, no matter what it is that has driven her to this point. She is acting as the victim, and her need to pull me down may be a driving factor for her behavior. Her circle of friends since she dropped the BD has diminished. She spends hours each day on the phone with her parents, brother, and twin sister. She works, stays late and then goes to her place and sleeps. This is not the dream she was chasing, but this is what she is doing. This is what she was doing for the last year and a half. She had checked out, pushed me away, and then blamed me for her unhappiness. But now she will have to face the truth that her happiness is dependent on her actions and efforts. But now I ramble on, but I actually feel bad for her at this point.

Her most recent act of trying to control me was with the finance paperwork that she has balked at for the last month and a half was to tell me Sunday morning she was ready to sign. Monday night no word from her on this. I text her asking the plan. She ignores the text. Tuesday night, still no word. I text her the same message. She responds a bit after I send the text and says she will give it to me Wed afternoon. She does. I see signature date was Monday. I see her actions of delay and anything else contrary to what I may want or what she thinks I may want as her attempts to control the situation. I feel bad for her, because the same outcomes happen as if they would without her delay. She gains nothing, except a sense of control over me. As I have found pairence and live in the moments, she sees this. I know she does and she is losing control. I am getting drowsy now. I think I am rambling. So I will end this update.

But in spite of my concern for WAW, my focus goes to d5. On our way home, she told me that she asked her mommy when she was moving back with daddy. She said that mommy said never, because I did not help them. D5, then said daddy. You have to help mommy so she will move back with you. I told d5 I would do my best and then I asked her why she was asking mommy about this. She said, daddy, it makes me sad that mommy is not with you. This hurts the heart. My baby deserves better than this. I will continue on the path towards making the best for my baby girls. I don't know what that looks like, but I will not rest in my attempts to be the best father for them and pray that I can provide all that they need.

I will pray for all the families going through challenging times this night.

Sleep well and may God bless each of you with strength, peace and comfort.