I quite know that feeling of finality that those bloody papers can make you feel. IMHO, I would wait some time to process the feelings of such devastated trauma.
You have more positives then negatives in your life, you learned to survive and got through difficult times. You got better and your best. But it all become a big snow ball mixed up with the reality of a loss, a life being robbed from you, questions without answers and a bag full of bad feelings we try so hard to avoid.
In my experience through my divorce, I think there is no other medicine then TIME... I tried to look at it in many different ways and direction and it just hurt.
At the beginning there was a feeling of losing the man I had in my life. But with time, I have this great pain of losing what I valued one day, dissipating my dreams and believes and having no power to change other person's point of view and even further their values about what is important for me.
I realized that time will make me whole again, will give me back my confidence and will eventually make me happy. Time will make my disappointments to be lesser and my pain will also be gone or be store in some far away container.
Time will let you forgive and then there will be a time to decide if you need closure or not. It is my opinion, maybe you won't agree with it, and you are the only person that really knows how much is too much, or how far can you go.
I never looked for closure because I did not forgive my XH. Because I still feel my wounds pretty much open and I know I need to give myself time to heal. Once it is all better, maybe one day out of the blue I will want that closure, or it won't be anything important anymore. I just reserve my right to avoid getting hurt again.
I hope you find peace inside yourself and can decide what would make a difference for you to keep moving forward from this.
I guess that right now it is all mixed up with compassion and resentment and in my opinion those are not the right feelings for a right mind to write any note or letter for closure.
Regarding posting, I think that Beatrice is so right. Your marriage didn't make (and we don't know tomorrow), but you made it and did it with grace and growing as stronger then you were before.
But I get it, sometimes I feel kind of stupid saying things that may work - to people that knows I couldn't do it. Well, we read the books, we did the homework and we are actually textbooks at this point in our sitches. There are several times were Michelle says that nothing she advices in the books are a guarantee that you will get your spouse back. So we are basically the book that came alive. We do our best, become our best, but we can't control the outcome because it involve another person that has their own choices too.
Some time ago, closer to my Big D, I read somewhere here on the boards about a lady that was happier now that she is years divorced. She found a much prettier life for herself and she actually looks back and feels she is lucky because it happen to her. It helped big time to just wonder if maybe I am stuck in my own values and crazy stubbornness to love someone that is not really worthy my love. It made me think that many, many times I cried because my spouse was not the person I wish he was for me.
There are a trillion of people in this world and maybe, just maybe we need to start thinking that life is where we are happy.
So far, I think we are not ready to commit suicide or become some grumpy old lady. Then we can actually help someone else to walk the walk and see that the other side is not only devastation, solitude and bitterness. It has beauty, honesty, worthiness, strength, grace and a lot of life to be lived.
Don't go away totally, remember that sometimes one word can make someone happy that day that you decide to write.
I love you with all my heart and wish I was there so we could go for a beer or some, and try some Irish dance.
