Nobody Can Drag Me Down

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks Job, Joe (I actually have a mini crush on a Joe-too bad it isn't reciprocated) and Gwen. I am always happy to hear from you and hope you are all well.

I haven't been here in a couple of months. I realize that I am struggling. My self esteem is completely shot and while I feel optimistic for others, I do not feel that for myself. I hate to sound like a whiner and that is what I sound like. I feel like no man with options would ever want me and I would never be attracted to a guy without options. If that makes me sound terrible, so be it. While I have a huge group of male friends, I cannot bear to think of being or opening up to anyone. I'm even close with my x BIL as he is going through a divorce. If I'm being honest, I feel invisible. There are other issues that I cannot discuss here, however, they are deeply tied to my ED. I go out a couple of times a month and have fun, and immediately shut down when a guy friend asks why I am single or why I kissed a 5 when I'm an 8. I'm not an 8. Most days I feel like a 2. These arbitrary ratings and leagues befuddle me and I can't get caught up in that garbage. I feel like shattered glass on the inside. I'm sorry I don't sound like daisies and unicorns. These last couple of months have taken a toll on my already very fragile self esteem. Gotta regroup and shake this off.

On a happier note, my peeps are wonderful. Sassy yet fun. D11 just donated a foot of hair. S6 is graduating from K and S 13 is very protective of me. They want me to date. D11 tried to sign me up on Tinder. X Mr. GB makes my head hurt so I try to limit contact with him. He and gf (I guess they are getting married or at least engaged soon)just moved further away. I am ready for something to happen and hopefully I can sell my house soon and move closer to my best friend and ex inlaws. I feel like something has to change. For the better.

Even though I feel kinda poopy, I know I have much to be grateful for-3 beautiful children, good health, fantastic friends and the best ex inlaws ever. I'm just in a funk and I am having a hard time digging out. And I do want to.

Hugs to you all.