Quote: See the part i dont get according to the DR/DB rules is i dont think we are piecing because she has said outright she no longer has any feelings for me.
I don't get the connection you are making about the rules and piecing.
Hi Sandhi, always a pleasure to hear from you. Sorry if i was unclear. I guess i was alluding to her acting married despite still telling me ILYBINILY. I was confused as to which stage i am in.
I really want to help you get this part, but I am having difficulty knowing how the rules come into all of this. Are you referring to the Sandi's 37 rules, or are you referring to the DR book?
Frankly, I do not believe you are in the piecing stage, at all. She cannot be pressured into saying she'll work on the M, or that she will be faithful. She either will or won't, but it has to be her choice to make. You may choose to leave, if she decides not to remain faithful, but she has to make a choice about what she does.
The "piecing stage" is when the couple really reconciles and the WW agrees to the conditions of the H (transparency, no contact with OM, MC, etc.) Both of them, but more especially the WW, puts forth great effort in doing the necessary work required to save their M. Your W has not done anything, unless it is not to contact OM lately. Without her cooperating to transparency that you decide for her to follow.....your MR doesn't stand a lot of a chance at succeeding. So, no, you are not in piecing, yet. I think you still have a lot of information to learn about it, so don't jump off into something you don't know what you're doing, okay? Ask questions and continue to read/study.
I am not sure what you mean by your W acting like she is married, unless you mean b/c she's not contacting OM.
Her telling you ILYBNILWY, is so you will not think she has changed back into being in love with you. She could remain faithful in the future and still not be in love with you. She would just go through the motions of marriage....and maybe love you like a relative, but not in love with you as a man. What you need to see is when her words and her actions/behavior match.
I know that people have their own standards of how people "act married". To me, her going across the border with her sisters.....to drink, is not exactly the epitome of how a married lady conducts herself. But that's just me. I'm sure others may not see a problem at all. Maybe it was completely harmless. If you have been pursuing, that could cause her to want to take flight and go drinking, just to get out from under the emotional pressure for a while.
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What you see as her "efforts" in the M, could be obedience.
Its hard to believe any grown person would be obedient if they are one foot out the door. Is this positive or negative thing?
Let me say it another way. She may be complying (outwardly) in the manner that she knows you expect of her. That's why I am not certain what you mean by her acting married. If you expect her to conduct herself in a particular behavior that indicates a woman is married......she probably knows what that way is, don't you believe? Most of us have our personal standards of what is proper and not proper behavior for M people. Maybe the only behavior you care about is her fidelity. If so, then she is going to act the part. At least, momentarily, until she decides what she really wants to do. B/c she knows that will keep you off her back, and it buys her some time.
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Ill be honest while i am trying to understand it and know i have to endure, it is difficult because men(or especially me) aren't wired this way at all.
That's why I stick around doing my thing.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
