So I've decided I'm going to write my MIL a short note and include that in with the things I. Have to forward her. I'm going to do that, rather than just text or phone (I'm not sure I can deal with speaking to her at the moment, without getting upset).
Anyway, I was thinking of writing something along the lines of finding it easier for me (for the time being at least), not to hear, see or know anything about my H
I was going to add that of course, I would be very happy, as I always have been, to share a friendship with her.
I've not written or sent it yet. Am very happy to take anyone's advice.
A strange thing happened, looking back. The day before my H travelled back to our country (from the other side of the world) I got the most awful feeling.
I've felt stuff from him before, from the other side of the world. I think I know the moment when something happened between him and OW2. They were both working in Australia at the time, and I had a horrible, horrible feeling of dread and panic.
I couldn't have told you what it meant at the time. But looking back, now, I can see where it fitted in with what was unfolding.
Anyway, this time I felt this awful feeling of upheaval and confusion. Then a couple of days later it was totally gone.
I'm pretty sure that he travelled back, spent a day or two in our home town (asked his mum to sort out this stuff for him) and then went to stay with OW. I think he's been with her ever since.
It's so hard to describe. It's like when he's with her I don't feel anything at all from him. His attention is totally elsewhere and I can just feel the peace and calm and quiet around me. But if he's not with her and having to deal with life stuff (meaning, the consequences of what he's done) it's almost like I can feel the negativity and confusion from him, and it's really bad because it's really strong.
Not really expecting any answers, but this is what has happened over the past few hours.
I didn't really sleep very well last night, just a handful of hours.
In spite of that, I decided I was going to give today my best shot.
After I got out the bathroom, I discovered a text from MIL saying she was coming up to the town where I live and would be dropping off some of my stuff that was in her house at my front door. She wouldn't be ringing my doorbell, just dropping off the stuff in a couple of boxes.
I started to feel kind of panicky and overwhelmed, like I didn't have any control over any of this.
And then I checked outside...two boxes on my front doormat.
I'm still trying to get a few things done today. Any progress at all, however slow, is still progress, right? But I feel like I've gone back to the 'wading through cement' feeling I remember having a while back, where absolutely everything was a struggle.
Hi Focus, that was a tough thing to happen and I'm not surprised you feel a little knocked back by it - ugh. Well, I guess your H will do what he will do and your MIL will do what she will do - that's on them.
When yukky things happen it does tend to plunge us back a little. But over time it does get easier to regain calm and PMA afterwards. And there comes a point (and most get to this point) where we shrug and don't feel upset by things.
The main thing is to trust in the path you are on and give it your best shot. Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I struggled on the rest of the day, feeling tearful, overwhelmed and stuck in mire. But I also slowly some things round the house as well (washing, washing up...).
Then had I had a burst of something in the evening, put a podcast on minimalism on my iPad, and went through one of my underwear drawers and some of my t-shirts. I chucked out loads of stuff. I still have way more than I actually need, but it's a start.
I guess this counts as one of my 180s. I was never much good at getting rid of things, but I've been going through some of my clothes over the past while and letting go of lots of things, either by throwing them out or giving them to the charity shops (some things still had their labels on). I'm making slow progress, but it's progress nonetheless.
So a difficult day, but one where I continued to put one foot in front of the other.
Hi Focus, one of the guaranteed things is there will be days when one foot in front of the other is all we can do - and well done for not only doing that, but de-clutter GALing too.
Since we S, I have enjoyed travelling lighter. I try and operate a one in one out approach now, so stuff doesn't just build up.
I had a rough day recently and I decided to re-listen to the Shawn Achor TED talk on happiness and do the five things he recommends - Gratitude for 3 things, meditate, journal about something pleasant that happened yesterday, exercise and random act of kindness.
By the time I'd - gone out for a half hour walk, meditated for 20 mins, journaled about a theatre visit with a friend, written down 3 things I was grateful for and emailed a friend to say how much I appreciated her - it was difficult to feel down
The beauty of this is these things are always there for us when we need them. Or more to the point, we can be there for ourselves when we need us.
Take care and I hope today is a better day xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I've been really into listening to podcasts recently, while I'm busy doing house stuff, so I know I'm going to enjoy the one you suggested. And enjoy discovering more too.
I'm managing to keep my front room and kitchen a bit tidier as a matter of course at the moment, so I'm very pleased about that. And I'm very slowly doing some DIY projects too. On to the bedroom next
I used to be w minimalist before I met H (18 years ago now). It was my stepdad that pointed it out.
Anyway, I've also finally moved business premises and got that sorted (mostly). Just a couple more small things to sort, and I can organise a photoshoot to show it off online.
It's been in the pipeline for more than a year and a half now, so it's been a long, long wait. Customers who have been in already have totally got what it's about and have all responded incredibly positively to my new space. I'm glad it's happened now. It feels a bit like a clean slate and a new start...completely untainted by the presence of my H and our troubles.
GAL wise, I've already hatched a plan for a couple of events with some really talented friends/industry colleagues to show off my new space - and hopefully get some more business for all of us.
That will all take a little organising and forward planning. So along with my photoshoot, and the work I have lined up for the summer, that should keep me busy and looking forwards over the next few months.
I'm slowly learning that I can use my work to get through the chaos and confusion of all of this, I'm not using my work to run away from it all, rather using my work as a way of focussing on something else.
The Shawn Achor talk is only 12 mins long - but entertaining. He really just touches on those 5 things - but he has written a book all about it - though I haven't read that.
I've also found the stuff by Brene Brown to be incredibly helpful - she has two TED talks and books (of which I've only read Daring Greatly.)
Wow - I'm in awe of all the stuff you're doing at work - good for you. It's great to make some progress in areas where we do have control.
Have a good day xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I've been reaching out to a friend of mine a little more, showing and sharing my confusion and letting myself be guided by her. She's very good at steering my attention back on to myself.
This is a quite a new thing for me, so I guess it counts as a 180 too.
I've also reconnected with a few people I knew a little from a while ago (ranging from people I knew a handful of years ago, to someone who was on the same course as me).
I've been very, very careful about what I've said, and to who I've said it to, over the past seven months or so. I've not mentioned H's affairs to anyone that knows both of us (I also work part time in H's industry, and he's very well known in his field). I reckon a couple of the older, savvier ones might have already guessed, but I've not said anything.
I've only talked about it all with a few people, and ones that don't know H. It's interesting to hear their take on it all. It's helping me put together my version, my narrative.
Not saying that my narrative is one in which I emerge without any part or responsibility...not at all. But it's one where he is less of the golden boy that I (along with MIL, my mother, his friends and the industry) considered him to be.
I also think he considered himself to be a bit of a golden boy as well maybe? If he has always been treated as such, so I guess it would only follow that he would believe that.
So getting older, becoming aware of the next, younger generation in his industry (and one which is extremely aware of social media, of themselves as brands in a way that he never was, or was much interested in) must have come as a shock to him.
That, along with the recent suicide of a mentor of his...well, I feel a huge amount of compassion for the chaos, confusion and frustration he must be feeling,
The Shawn Achor talk is only 12 mins long - but entertaining. He really just touches on those 5 things - but he has written a book all about it - though I haven't read that.
I've also found the stuff by Brene Brown to be incredibly helpful - she has two TED talks and books (of which I've only read Daring Greatly.)
Wow - I'm in awe of all the stuff you're doing at work - good for you. It's great to make some progress in areas where we do have control.
Have a good day xx
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Our posts crossed over Sotto. Thank you again, I shall check out Brene Brown as well.
My own work unfortunately took a bit of a nose dive the three months after October. It was awful. And my part time work was in my H's industry, I have no idea how I survived those three months.
Anyway, I'm going to repaint and redecorate my bathroom. I went to get some testers and swatch cards. I've already painted one of the testers on the wall.
My bathroom used to be golden yellow with navy towels. I'm trying to decide on which shade of grey to go for.
I've got wicker basket accessories which I really like, and I've decided I'm going to totally cover the walls in loads and loads of mirrors of different shapes and sizes.
Behind some of the mirrors I'm going to build little made to measure shelving units. So some of the mirrors are gonna function as doors to what is essentially a little cabinet. That means I'll have loads of storage space as well. I've decided I'm going to paint the body of the cabinets the same shade of grey as the walls, so they look kind of camouflaged against the walls.
Not sure about the frames of the mirrors at the moment. I don't know if I should go for white, or gold...
