Yes, you absolutely are downplaying what your W has done. You have made excuses for her and you are desperately trying to find a loophole b/c you don't really seeing her giving up the firefighting.
As much as I really want to tell you that this can be an exception and maybe your W could see the OM and still overcome her addiction.........I just can't, and be truthful. She is telling you she has no feelings for OM. Those type of feelings are not turned on and off like a light switch. It would be like a heroin addict putting down the needle and announcing he no longer needed a fix. Oh yeah?
Sure, you can understand how it works with a drug addiction, can't you? Your problem is believing your W's affair could be addictive. It must be terribly difficult for a man to even think about his W having to go through "withdrawals" b/c she's not had recent sight or sound (even picture on FB) of OM.
I know it's tough on you. Know how I know it? B/c you chunked everything aside to have a chance to cuddle with your W and talk about old times. You told us you didn't care if it was the right or wrong thing to do b/c YOU NEEDED IT. Yes, and you fed that need. You gave into it. Right then, you didn't care what advice you may get....right? So can you see how it would be for your W wanting OM? They want to feed their needs, too. Kind of hard to hear it said that way, isn't it? I am trying to give you some idea of what an affair addiction can be like. You can't give it leeway. You can't temp it.
((Coconut)), she may believe she can beat it, and still have contact with OM. She may try to convince you it's over. Frankly, I think she'll tell you nearly anything, to continue her classes and firefighting. She has put herself in this mess. She will probably face a double whammy, unless OM leaves.
And btw, she is not putting effort into anything. That is more you wanting to believe that she is.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
