I've been reading here faithfully since December, but it has taken me until this week to truly see what I need to do when it comes to DBing.
DDay was December 19. H originally cried, begged, wanted to make it work. That first week was one of major bonding and intimacy. We seemed to cut through so much baggage right off the bat. December 26 I went to my parents' with the kids, and unfortunately while I was away, and the affair was out, they started a full blown relationship.
He moved out January 15. I read every book I could get my hands on, and had a lot of hard realizations about my own faults in the marriage. I took responsibility, and I showed him remorse and a desire to change who I had been. February 10 he told me he wanted to come home and end it with her. March 1 he moved home. But he never fully ended it with her. He would try to be just friends, etc. On Mother's Day I realized he had gone to see her for a few minutes, and I ended up doing a full blown confrontation - with her there.
He moved out again last week. I am, for the first time, able to see who I was during the marriage. I am also able to see who I was over the last few months, and the answer is I was a really devoted wife, trying to fix my marriage, and he had to do absolutely no work to come home and fix things.
I finally committed 100% this week to detaching and finally working on me. Finding happiness in myself and with my kids. When he was gone the first time I did all the wrong things. Crying, pleading, begging, pursuing, sending text messages, wooing, etc.
Yesterday was my first pretty successful day of 180. I even told him I was accepting 100% that he chose a different life for himself, and that I need to stop wishing for my marriage, and just go life life to the fullest - for me.
If he texts I politely respond, but I initiate nothing.
This morning I woke up to several texts from him. He had said goodnight, and when I didn't respond he proceeded to panic. He texted me every 45 minutes until midnight waiting for me to respond and say goodnight to him. This morning I just said "Fell asleep early. Didn't mean to worry you". An hour later he texted saying "I couldn't stop thinking about you last night".
The change is almost immediately noticable. The exciting part though, is that I'm no longer tempted to do it just to manipulate him. Weeks ago I would have been so excited to be "winning". Today I'm just excited to be finding peace, and to go to sleep early, because I am not riddled with anxiety. I am excited to find the best version of myself, and be the kind of person who can accept that he needs to go live this life, and I do not need to control him. Every other time I would try to go dark my addiction and obsession would stop me from success. I just had to check in. I just had to see. I couldn't let go.
I think the OW is still partially in the picture, but I don't think he even really wants to be with her. At the time she represented freedom, but now he has set up a small apartment, and is spending countless hours alone, contemplating his life. I don't know what is going to happen. I don't know if he will ever change, and I don't know if he will ever truly choose his family. I do know that I will be okay either way.
