Since your wife is moving out, this might be a good opportunity to do a 180. You could help her pack some stuff and help her move some stuff. Don't do it in such a way that it seems like you're throwing her out the door, but show her that you've accepted what she's doing and that you're not clinging and trying to change her mind.
She did say something about me not updating the website like I said I would. I agreed that I was very lax last week on it and I told her I would devote this evening to working/updating the website. Really hit me in the face when she said, it's sad when you expect it to happen. It is. I dropped the ball on this one. But, it's more than just a website. Our whole marriage I have talked about all the things I was going to do. When it came time I excused them away. Going to work on that.
Let's think about this.
WHY do you say you are going to do things? And then WHY do you not do them?
I think on the one hand, you may want to look into why you have trouble following through.
But this also reads like you agreeing to do things or saying youre sorry or something, just to end a discussion or to get some approval from her or to appease her...I dont know. I dont really understand why you would agree to update her website. Or some of the other things youve agreed to help with.
Honestly, I think it's because I do have plans to do these things, but then I get lazy. But, I'm pretty sure that her (and the good Lord) are testing me.
She emailed saying: Hey are you gonna work on my pallet dog bed or is that another one of those things youll never do?
I replied with: I’m going to do it. I know I’ve been slack in the past. But you had faith in me to do it. I’m going to stop letting you down. ________________________
Essentially, I just went all in. If I mess this up she'll lose all faith in me forever. Given my track record it was probably a dumb thing to do. But dangit, I'm 180-ing, setting Goals and GAL (even if my life is going to consist of building a dog bed... at least it'll help get my mind off of her...and hey, i enjoy building stuff)
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
Collin, what darknes is asking, is why have you always let her down? In other words, why do you let yourself down and not keep your word?
Look inside and not at what she's saying and don't do things for her, do them for yourself.
These are all valid points. You might need to look inside yourself and figure out the underlying issue that causes you to act this way. I struggled with this one too, and I'm in no way saying this is your answer, but with help from therapists, and counseling, a likely cause for my issue was locked away in my subconsciousness. For years, she would reject the work I did, reject my accomplishments that I worked so hard on, and complain about the way I do things, when in my eyes they were done to perfection. This starts to take a toll on people, and they lose confidence, self-awareness, and start looking in other directions to place their blame. In my case, this is something that I didn't know she was doing, and she probably didn't even know she was doing, but over time, it built up, and built up, and eventually I was drained of what I once thought of myself, as a fully capable, independent, go-getter.
Your case may be different; a lot of the problems we carry over into our adult relationships were actually formed in our childhood. It can be hard to think back of things that could cause this sort of behavior, but practicing replaying childhood memories, teenage memories, adult memories, out loud, can sometimes shine a light on what the underlying causes are.
You have been getting a lot of good advice and I would add that this separation may be a good time for you to clean the house and put it all in order (meaning your life).
I got caught up with your thread and it always repeat that she asked you to do this or that. First, it is not the right way to test someone to their limits. She tells you she is leaving and then she wants you to be all motivated to do things for her.
I am a girl and I really think she is playing a very dirty game with you. Of course you did a lot of wrongs during your marriage and maybe because of that she got tired of being married to a guy that did not fix her stuff.
But by other hand, was this woman so perfect that she can only blame your behavior? As far as I know you work, maybe all day. So, it's not like you are sitting around doing zero all day. I did a lot of stuff in my house and I am not a guy.
Being understanding, compassionate and really caring, does not mean you need to please her every time she ask you to make something. Next thing we know, she spits on the floor and will ask you to clean it, in the speed that she thinks is good enough for her.
Collin, take your time and find yourself, find what you like, what is good for you, what you enjoy doing. Not everyone is born to be a fixer upper. If you find good stuff then keep them, if you find you need to improve on some things, then set a path to do it, with a therapist, counselor, or whatever.
I also see you may need to set your faith straight. People with real faith and God inside themselves do not need to please everyone else. They are good just because, they do good because it makes them whole and makes them feel good about themselves.
Reading your posts I feel and think that what she is asking is for your maturity. The laziness may be a sign that you may need to do some serious work on you and then you will love yourself so much that it will be hard for others not to.
Take you time sweetie. Be yourself or find yourself. Help yourself to be in one piece again.
If you still want to fix something for her, then tell her honestly that you are trying to make sense of all this, get your life moving, hold yourself in one piece and you won't get to it until "whatever - a week or so", this will put you in a position of no failure again. You will give yourself time to resolve the issue. If she does not like, well then you can say she can do that herself because you are facing your own challenges now.
I know it [censored], but it will also undermine her desire to make you feel like you are always failing. There are something called "Respect" and I think she is lacking some towards you right now.
Hope you will decide to start helping yourself instead of pleasing someone that does not want to be pleased.
Today has been an awesome day. If we do reconcile I'll be able to look back to this day as the date that put it all in motion. It's amazing that if you (meaning me) just shut up and listen all your questions will be answered. Why is she leaving? What was I not doing? Well the answer is now apparent. She wants dependability. I wasn't providing that. I want to be the kind of man that if I say I'm going to do something then that thing is as good as done.
Today was a day of many answers. With hopefully more to come. Cadet's first welcome post says she gave you the gift of time. I am going to use this time wisely to better myself as a husband, a father and a man.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
Today has been an awesome day. If we do reconcile I'll be able to look back to this day as the date that put it all in motion. It's amazing that if you (meaning me) just shut up and listen all your questions will be answered. Why is she leaving? What was I not doing? Well the answer is now apparent. She wants dependability. I wasn't providing that. I want to be the kind of man that if I say I'm going to do something then that thing is as good as done.
Today was a day of many answers. With hopefully more to come. Cadet's first welcome post says she gave you the gift of time. I am going to use this time wisely to better myself as a husband, a father and a man.
Wow, you go dude! This attitude is something I'm striving for and I hope you can continue your positivity throughout this. It's easy to teeter back and forth (my experience anyways), but keep the path, find ways to improve, and she'll be the foolish one to leave if you really set out to do this.
So happy that in the midst of so much pain you are finding ways to look inside yourself, figuring out what direction to take and set goal to improve in a way you will love the outcome and your W may regain that faith she lost.
Life is not easy at all and we all have room for improvement. I hope you take the time to find the way to improve yourself and make your life better with your W or without her.
My humble advice is that you take a little step at a time so you don't set too many or too big of goals and then get disappointed or demotivated.
Wish you all the best and please keep posting, you have a lot of good friends here.
