OM was meet on night out and then they chat via Facebook
Are you saying that she is dating the OM?
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Spoke to the W last night and explain that we can't live in limbo land, asked her to move out of bed as sharing a bed whilst she is seeing OM is not on, and that she need to pay half towards cost of running house whilst we sale if this is what see really wants!
She has caused you to be in an open marriage, by having a third party. ....If she doesn't end the affair, Is this a deal breaker for you?
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She seem generally shocked and keep asking me what I'm doing, where I'm going! She seemed tearful this morning as she left for work...
Maybe b/c there were no immediate changes when you first learned about her unfaithfulness, she assumed everything would continue to be chummy. She would move in with the OM, and keep you as her BFF.......and Plan B......just in case OM didn't work out.
Okay, so at least you have made a move in the right direction. She is cheating on you, so she does not continue enjoying the intimacy of sharing the marital bed with you. The MBR represents more than just the larger bedroom in the house. It is where the M couple share their most intimate times. It is the room the kids know belongs to mom & dad, who are a union that excludes others. When your W involved herself with the OM, she brought her feelings/thoughts for him into the marital bed. That's not cool.
Let her act shocked, dumbfounded and look like a deer staring at headlights! She knows right from wrong. No matter how foggy her brain may be.......SHE KNOWS RIGHT FROM WRONG, and it should not be excused. And, don't let her pull the guilt card on you.
I don't want to repeat a lot I have written on my other threads about the wayward wife. The link to the first thread is at the bottom page of Sandi's rules. I really hope you will read about the WW, Blueboy. She has to respect you, in order to have those in love feelings again. This is a process, and hopefully, having her move out of the MBR and splitting the bills......is the first step of getting closer to respect than she was the day before.
Don't misunderstand what I am about to tell you. You are not her daddy, and therefore, you cannot control her. However, you will see her acting very childish at times. You may feel that you are the only responsible adult in the house. She will remind you of a rebellious teenager. With that in mind, realize that you will have to remain calm and stand firmly in the boundaries you lay.
Boundaries are made to protect us. When you think of boundaries in a relationship, you have to think of an invisible circle drawn around yourself. You, Blueboy, are the only one who decides what crosses over that invisible line........and what doesn't. It is up to YOU to protect your feelings, b/c nobody else will do it.
It boils down to what you decide you will tolerate and won't tolerate. If you decide you will not allow another person to scream in your face, or verbally put you down, or make snide remarks..........what can you do to protect your sense of value, your dignity, your place of respect in the home? Well, you can always walk away from the offender. That action does not always prove to very effective, b/c the other person really has no consequences, except maybe losing your presence a little while. For a boundary to be effective, the one who crosses the line should have some type of consequences (nothing physical) for not respecting your boundary line. Otherwise, you will always be leaving, walking away, and running from those who do not respect you.
That's the same way with relationship boundaries. In traditional wedding vows, it is pretty clearly stated that the couple promises to be faithful to their spouse. Whenever a woman loses respect for her H, it could be a matter of time before she also loses respect for the M........and her vows seem to be washed away. Now, it's all about her FEELINGS. Are there boundaries in your M, or is it open to anything goes? Does she really know what you will not put up with? Apparently, she wasn't expecting to leave the.marital bed.
Setting boundaries are not hard, once you understand it is not about controlling or punishing her. It is about protecting yourself.
There is a lot of reading ahead. I hope you understand what you read before plunging into something and make matters worse for you. When in doubt, come to the board and ask.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
