Why is Raven black?

[ciluzen]

Hey, IP. So happy to hear from you! I miss you when you disappear.

I'm trying very hard not to worry so much about the future, and I'm not living so much in the past as being forced to deal with memories as I pack up the house. The fear and sadness seems to come in waves more now. I have sort of slowed down on frantically running from one activity to another as I've been getting more comfortable with alone time. In fact, this weekend, since H was away and visiting family (I was a bit jealous as my mother is 15 minutes away from his parents) I gave myself permission to not do anything house related. He was taking a break from the tiny bit he has helped, I think I deserved a vacation from the enormity of what I've been saddled with.

I did drive around neighborhoods I was interested in to get a better feel for them at one point. I ended that up by spending time with my D23 at an ER (she convinced herself that she had a major medical problem but it turned out to be a tension headache). Had good talks with her. She's very much like her dad and holds things in. Deep thinkers. But, just like him, when tired and sick, is unable to keep the mask on and can finally open up about feelings and fears and thoughts. We had a good, eye opening (for me) talk.

I read, I exercised, I watched "The Martian" and "The Big Short" (great movies!), I painted D23's (late) birthday picture, and just hung out and enjoyed my beautiful home. It was a nice GAL weekend, but relaxing.

Sunday I got an unexpected call from H. He was in the orchard at his parents house walking around by himself. He called to check in and see how the home inspection went (no word) and to say he heard about D23's ER visit. We discussed her quite a bit, mostly me validating his opinions. He actually thanked me for agreeing with him on a few points. He apologized for not being there to help (again)and (again) I validated his feelings about that.

He wanted me to know about missing his flight on the way down and how he hit a very low point when that happened; how he felt that he had let everyone down that were helping him to get to where he needed to be by not leaving time to get to through the airport. My D25 had already told me that he said to her "I thought of mom always wanting to get to the airport early, just in case, and how often I got irritated with her because I didn't like being in the airport so long. And then something went wrong and I missed my flight." He didn't share that with me, but instead shared how he realized that by trying to avoid being in the airport for long, he ended up having to wait for another flight, and then, instead of the original direct flight, he had a layover. More airport waiting. I commiserated, listened, and validated. Its becoming a habit now.

He also has talked a lot about a lecturer/teacher/doctor that I follow. He used to discount and make fun of me for getting excited about her, but he spent a lot of time talking about her. He seems to want me to know he's following her advice and respects her wisdom, now. Hunh.

Anyway, my takeaways from the weekend:

1) I'm being bombarded with advice from everyone on what I should do. My inner voice says "slow down"! I'm thinking of trying to just live in an apartment for a bit near work and school.
I may not get in right away, but I may just see if I can live at the vacation home for a week or two. No hurry. Not D yet. Its still partially mine. But buying a house in a hurry is not a wise decision (for me).

2)I've got a lot to do...lots of changes in my life. I think just accepting that is half the battle. I don't need to hurry into decisions, though. I just need to take steps into the directions I know I want to head, take a few steps off of the bank and into the river, but not be so afraid of the pull of the current. As long as I can keep my footing and my eyes open, I can follow the pull a bit. See where it leads. I'm excited about starting school. I also need to find a gallery to sell my art.

3)I can talk to H without pursuing. He does "check in" periodically. I can be his friend. I'd like to be more, but I can't while he is this unsure, childlike, ball of emotions. It is very obvious, now, that he is thinking and dealing with his "stuff". I'll let him. When he wants his friend to talk to (me) I will be his "home". I realize that turning to his parents is not going to be as beneficial to him, and that that is a part of his crisis...he was too dependent on them anyway, even as an adult. Still looking for their approval in everything and afraid of upsetting them if he failed. He is figuring things out.

Back to me. Focus on me.