Blu, my H is as you said - he never made clear his needs or was able to tell me what he wanted. He was raised by a very emotionally volatile mother. I've never met anyone who can go from normal to sobbing to normal to offended to... whatever emotion as quickly as her. She's all over the map. I have always thought that H learned to duck her emotions/ keep a low profile so as not to upset her. He still does with her and I think he did the same with me, even though I actually wanted to hear from him.
On the night of our first real crisis almost 3 years ago I tried to ask him what he wanted and needed and got nothing. Now it seems it was my fault he was not able to tell me. Now... I see I was missing something very important. He saw/sees himself as a doormat.
Anyway, for a couple years I knew something was off kilter, but he didn't tell me what. I wish I had recognized the red flags at the time, but I didn't understand what was going on, except in hindsight. 20/20, right?
Blu, have you considered something more along the lines of marriage coaching? Something more forward-looking, rather than retreading the same old water/rehashing the same old troubles? Prompting spewing from either of you in a session doesn't sound helpful. It sounds painful. Sometimes it seems like it might be better to try to learn new skills for moving the R in a better direction from where it already stands, as nothing can change the past. Yes, it helps to understand how you got there, but after a while it's time to move on. Reopening the old wounds time and again isn't really progress.
Take anything I say with a few pounds of salt, but maybe it's time to change things up a bit.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
