My first post - please be nice.

[TabD]

Wow. Darknes, has wonderful advice. I too was thinking the same thing. "work on me" , but what does that mean. Thanks for more specifics. it will be hard, but this site has wonderful support and its safe!

[collin]

So, instead of saying: work on my relationship with my D. It should be more like:
-watch what my D wants to watch on TV (with my D) X number of nights a week.
-find fun activities for D and I to do together (and do them).
-Help her to be more organized.
-Help her be more self-sufficient.

So, instead of saying I am going to (this) it will be I am going to do (this) and the following steps are going to be how I am going to accomplish it.

Am I thinking about it correct?

[MoveFrwd]

So, instead of saying: work on my relationship with my D. It should be more like:
-watch what my D wants to watch on TV (with my D) X number of nights a week.
-find fun activities for D and I to do together (and do them).
-Help her to be more organized.
-Help her be more self-sufficient.

So, instead of saying I am going to (this) it will be I am going to do (this) and the following steps are going to be how I am going to accomplish it.

Am I thinking about it correct?

Kind of. But break it down into things you can measure. You want specific, measurable things. So that you can look bakc and say "yes, I did that."

So like these are good:
-watch what my D wants to watch on TV (with my D) X number of nights a week.
-find fun activities for D and I to do together (and do them).

But these:
-Help her to be more organized.
-Help her be more self-sufficient.
I'd be more specific as to how you will accomplish them.

[collin]

I created the webpage for the dog rescue she volunteers with. I told her I would keep the page up to date, but the past week I've been slacking. She emailed today and said:

Since you are obviously not going to keep up with the website will you PLEASE sit down and show me how to update it tonight?!

I replied back with:

Oh crap. You wanted me to add that one dog. Yeah, we’ll sit down and look at it tonight. So at least you’ll know how to do it.

She replied back with:

Not just that, there are a lot of other things. You just are absent minded and don’t ever do what you say you will do. There are many things on there that need to be done.
_______________________

So yeah, sufficient to say, I'm not doing too good of a job holding up my end of the deal, especially in the words vs. actions department. But, I guess I could look at this as a goal right? To update the website at least once a week.

Yeah, it's not really doing it for me, but it indirectly is. I need to show her I will say I'll do something and stick to it. So...in a sense it kind of is for me...

[MoveFrwd]

I need to show her I will say I'll do something and stick to it.

There. Fixed it for you.

THATS improving you.

So, what kinds of things are you going to do as a way of meeting that improvement point?

[collin]

Thanks darknes.
I need lots of fixing (as you probably can tell)

Today has been a very productive day on here, I feel like I've learned and grew a lot.

So, I'v got another question:

I went to MC once myself and once with her (well she showed up half way). The thing is MC is another one of those things where I say I'm going to do it and then I got side tracked and let the days get away from me. Then 1 week into 2, 3, so on. She even said something about it and all I could do was agree and eat crow.

She said a while back that she would agree to go to MC if she moved out. So, her going while still living at home was great! I told her I was wanting to work on me so I would go by myself until she was ready. I didn't hold up my end of the deal.

I asked her last week if she wanted to go this week, she said this week wasn't good (financially). I'm thinking of playing dumb and saying to her, I'm considering going to MC either this week or next, would you like to join? Or, Should I say, i know you said this week wouldn't be good to go to MC, would you consider going next? Or I know you said this week isn't good, I would like to schedule a day for next, would you like to join?

And, is MC beneficial by yourself?

[MrBond]

"Well, I guess it goes to show that you can't hide who you are. "

That's BS. If you didn't think you could change, you wouldn't be here. Everyone on this site has changed in one way or another. You just have to CHOOSE to change.

[betterm]

Thanks darknes.
I went to MC once myself and once with her (well she showed up half way). The thing is MC is another one of those things where I say I'm going to do it and then I got side tracked and let the days get away from me. Then 1 week into 2, 3, so on. She even said something about it and all I could do was agree and eat crow.

I asked her last week if she wanted to go this week, she said this week wasn't good (financially). I'm thinking of playing dumb and saying to her, I'm considering going to MC either this week or next, would you like to join? Or, Should I say, i know you said this week wouldn't be good to go to MC, would you consider going next? Or I know you said this week isn't good, I would like to schedule a day for next, would you like to join?

And, is MC beneficial by yourself?

A few things...

I am guilty of the exact same situation you are in. We would get into it about something, and the topic of MC would come up and I'd say, yeah, we should go to MC, lets set something up.. and I would never take the initiative, and she (likely) would sit back and just wait to see if I would ever do it... and by the time we went through this cycle 3-4 times, we finally went to one MC session together, and she refused to go back since, and she's likely filing for D in the next few days/weeks (if I'm lucky).

she mentioned in MC and in her personal therapy session that if I really cared about fixing our MR, then I wouldn't have waited for her to leave me before finally wanting to work on changing things...and now it's too late. I'm still fighting though.

about your question. I don't understand, the money situation, our MC was the same amount whether one person attended or both people attended. So if you are going for you, you pay for 1 hour. If your W wants to come, you still just pay for 1 hour. If you are already paying, I would go ahead and go and tell her your going, and that she's welcome to join. If she does, great, if not, I'd schedule for the next week to. I realize money isn't limitless, but D is can be very expensive, and if you spend it on this, at least you can walk away knowing that you did everything you could, while you could, to try and put it to something useful in saving the MR.

As for, is it helpful if you're alone... I guess it depends on what your goals are. MC (properly trained ones), are not individual psychotherapists that are trained to pick about inidividuals flaws and qualities, but a well-trained family and marital therapist are trained in identifying problems within a SYSTEM of a marriage, group, family, etc. It's actually called systems theory, something most therapists never learn in regular education without going out of their way...

If you're goal is to help you identify you faults and failures in a SYSTEM environment, and better yourself for the future, regardless if it's for this marriage, or the next, or even at work, then yes. MC can be very beneficial for a single individual. However, a lot of MC therapists out there will not continue to see one individual continually, and then see the other one here and there. You won't allow talk about individual therapy matters (you're psycho/mental issues), and see you as a MC therapist as a couple, because of favoritism, taking sides, etc.

What I've done is, since my wife has refused to see our MC with me, I've hired a second MC, and told the first one, that if my wife ever wants to join back in, I'll come back to them. But until then, I'm going to the second MC for my individual work within a marriage or system environment. This created a barrier so that the refusing spouse doesn't feel teamed up on when/if they ever do decide to come back to MC therapy.

Sorry if that's a lot, but that's exactly what I'm doing, and that's what I was told to do by several resources I looked into regarding the situation. Hope it's helpful.

[collin]

So I wanted to do a quick update prior to bed. It's past midnight here in NC and my W is in the kitchen packing boxes. Not all is lost though. Her move out date is next Tues. She agreed to go to a 2hr MC session the following week. I am chalking that down as a small win. Going to bed. Goodnight.

[collin]

1 week until her move out day.

Last night we (me, her and D) went out to dinner, it was fun. We didn't talk about our R and I tried to put it in the back of my mind and just enjoy the moment.

When we got home she started packing her stuff. I asked her about MC and that's when we started talking about it and decided that the best time would be the following week. It was hard watching her pack, but I guess it's inevitably going to happen, just something I've got to get over.

She did say something about me not updating the website like I said I would. I agreed that I was very lax last week on it and I told her I would devote this evening to working/updating the website. Really hit me in the face when she said, it's sad when you expect it to happen. It is. I dropped the ball on this one. But, it's more than just a website. Our whole marriage I have talked about all the things I was going to do. When it came time I excused them away. Going to work on that.