It's sometimes an ongoing affair, and sometimes I feel it is done forever. Am I crazy? sometimes I think so, and some other times I just let go.
Towards the end of march we had dinner together. It was nice, I was feeling good and the subject was for him to give me some hints on my new line of work, the one I will be looking for in june. He was polite and very nice. Always treating me like a princess, saying how beautiful I am, how smart and how he is amazed to see me.
At some point in the conversation it became all him, he talked my ears off telling me stuff about his work. I listened, replied, said good stuff for him. The night end up in a good note and we went in our separate ways with him saying that he will be always there for me.
A week went by and he comes to pick up the kids, drop off the kids and I did not made myself too available. From nowhere he calls me asking if he could drop off a check. It was about 10:30pm and I said that he didn't need to bother and could give me the next day at church, then he says that he was in front of my house.
I got the check and we started chatting in front of the house. The conversation became talking about him saying how bad is his life and that he is barely making it day by day. That he has bad days and not so bad ones.
We started talking about the kids and then I blow big time. Not in a bad way, but I told I need him to step up and do what he needs to in regard of the kids. That I need to have my life and need some time to do my professional stuff. I said to him that I was on the waiting list for a long time and that I do not have too much flexibility now and need to move.
He put himself against the wall saying that I was right and that it was not fair for me, that he appreciate me calling his attention on this and that he would try his best to spend more time with the kids so I can have more of my time for myself and do what I need to do.
I felt super bad and then that night I wrote an apology letter to him. I said that I am overwhelmed and he is not and shouldn't be responsible for things that I decide and then put myself in too much "things to do", I said I had no right to blow on him and that I was very "Sorry"!. I gave a letter along with a card that said that life has been throwing darts on him but that I believe he is capable of doing it all, that I admire him.
I gave it in a close envelope next day at church when we were sitting beside each other and sharing a bible. Go figure. He actually came and sat beside me.
Later that week we talked again and then the R subject emerged again. So, I asked if he would like to get back into my life and he said "NO". He then explained that he has a lot of work to do on himself and that he is not ready to be with me or anyone else as a matter of fact. He said he made mistakes, took the wrong decisions and needs to figure his life and besides that he ruined his finances and needs to get some order on that front.
He put his arm on my shoulders, I put my arm around his waist and we walked like old times to my car. He kissed my chic and we again went in our separate ways.
During the times he picks up the kids, we have been talking about son's graduation and he always says he wants to be part of it... but so long, he does nothing. He is a ghost on all what is happening.
Then I decided to let go a little more, really make it if he is not any important for me. It was mother's day and I got to church after him. I did not sit beside him as usual, he came and gave me a hug, a kiss on my chic and wished me a happy mother's day. I smiled and said thank you.
At the end, I was moving around like he did not exist and then finally he said: Hey pink, happy mother's day! I said thank you, good to see you and walked away. I said goodbye to some ladies and left without even looking towards him.
That night he sends me a message asking me to pick up the kids from school the next day. I got upset because he always comes short notice with this and I am just like his good wife that would cover up for his mess with his schedule. Well, I wrote back and said that I would drive the kids to and from school the whole week.
What I did not expect was to get sick later that day and it was 12am and I was not getting any better. I then called him and asked if he could drop off the kids because I was not feeling well. He said he could and wished that I feel better.
Next day I sent him a message just thanking him for helping me.
He said it was OK, no problem at all, then I wrote this:
"XH, I thanked you because there are some lessons in life that I can't just take for granted. I always tough about myself as a humble person, that didn't do bad against anyone, but now I also see I was a person that was not thankful for what I had or what people did to and for me. I was wrong and paid a big price for my arrogance. I took for granted what others did to help me many times. You were my biggest victim. You helped me, comforted me, supported me and even loved me and so many times that I could just express my gratitude saying a simple thank you for helping me, I ignored and did not say it. I know it does not matter to you or even to anyone else, but it matters to me to know and understand the lesson that was given to me. I do not want to die knowing that I learned nothing from such huge pain. So, that's why I thank you an will do to anyone that help me in my life. Obrigado (thank you), is just a word, like "sorry", but it is only now that I understand it goes a long way inside myself. I do feel a little better today. Good night."
A week went by while he was traveling to LA and then last Friday I got this email out of the blue:
"Dear Pink,
I would like you to know how much I appreciate your thankfulness and sincerity.
I admit that I do not know that to say sometimes. I am facing my own challenges, realizing many things that I did not see before, learning (slowly) and trying to understand.
I have been humbled in many ways, and believe that God wants me to see things differently. I have a long way to go before I can feel good about myself, or acknowledge real progress in my evolution and maturation.
I am happy to see your personal progress, and sad to recognize how my decisions and actions were the catalyst to a positive, fundamental change in your faith and outlook on life.
There were so many times that I should have or could have told you when I disagree with something or just thought differently. I did not, or stopped doing so to avoid the backlash, but this was unfair to you. I am referring to your disbelief in apologizing, and the importance of being (and saying you are) sorry. Everyone makes mistakes or inadvertently does something that hurts someone else. Feeling sorry and saying the words makes a difference for both people.
I know that I held my resentment for a long time and that it was unhealthy for me and for us. I have never been more sincere than when I forgave you and asked for your forgiveness earlier this year when we met at the Starbucks.
You were always good enough, even better then I deserved. Yes, I made choices and took actions that led to our separations and divorce. I gave up, lost the will, the courage, to face our problems, to seek resolution and reconciliation. I want you to know that no one is better than you or took your place. Yes, I started a relationship with someone else, but no one could ever take your place. I respect your right to see things and believe as you choose. I hope you can accept my perspective, for what it is worth.
I know that you will grow stronger and find your happiness. I believe in you. I always did and always will.
Love,
XH"
I wrote it word by word exactly the way he wrote to me. At first I tough he gave me another goodbye letter, then I cool off and read it again and tough it is not a goodbye letter. What to make out of it, I don't know, I guess I am afraid to hold hope and I just don't get it.
I saw him after the letter, I said nothing about it and he said nothing as well. During church on sunday, we sat separated and he again gave me a hug, a kiss on the chic. I could tell that he was thinking I was looking good.
But, I hold my independence, my freedom to come and go and owned my life as I am now, a single woman.
Funny thing happen. I was helping with some chairs and there was a guy always saying to me to carry just one chair so it would hurt me and my little hands. After the third time, I was already smiling to this guy because he kept saying that to me. Then XH walked towards me to get the chairs I was carrying and gave me a big smile. Oh well, I kept one chair and still walked towards the other guy and gave him the chair.
So, maybe you guys can have a better understand of what can be his reasons to write me such a letter. My text could be the reason, but again it was a text, it did not need an answer.
