Sunny Days are Here, Again

[Zues126]

It is a tricky balance. How do you model your beliefs to your children without passing judgment on your WAS?

For me, I did it pretty head on. "Different people have different views on divorce. Some people are of the belief that if the marriage is difficult it can be better to separate so both individuals can find peace and children can be raised without conflict. I don't subscribe to this belief. Personally I am in the camp that marriage is a permanent commitment, that you stay with someone throughout your entire life, through good times and bad, and accept that life doesn't always give you everything you want and instead find ways to be appreciative for what you have, and that divorce and tearing apart a family is a tremendously destructive act and shouldn't be considered unless there is a life threatening situation. So in no way was any of this my choice. However I am not suggesting your mother is a bad person, she simply subscribes to a different set of beliefs about when divorce is appropriate than I do."

As for new partners, XW is now with someone that wasn't the original OM (or OM #2 or OM #s 3-5). She was with him prior to our D being finalized but it's not the man that my kids were asking about, the stranger that's sleeping in mom's room. So none of it is as offputting as that. Even still, he's someone that would associate with a woman before her D was final, and someone that would partner up with a woman that walked out on her marriage. I guess this is pretty normal these days, but not for me. (I promise that I will NEVER partner with a woman that initiated a divorce. If she was divorced her story had better be that her H walked out on her and she DB'd her butt off for years, if 'it was mutual' or 'I had to leave because...' I don't need to hear the rest of it, unless she can show me scars from where she was physically assaulted.) So I don't have any deep admiration for this man. But frankly between the two of them I have less respect for XW, and she's their mom, the one modelling breaking up a family and keeping me from the kids half the time. So if I can live with that I think I can live with some other guy that becomes their second dad.

In the end none of it matters to me. I'll never be chummy with either of them, I'll never have any emotional connection, and indeed I'll be so disconnected the only thing my kids will ever pick up is that I wasn't willing to get close to either of them. No venom, no animosity, no passive aggressive behavior, just a clinical professional business relationship when the need to communicate or share a building existed. DB coach did chide me a bit for not being friendly and chatty when we swapped children, but that simply wasn't a possibility for me, so the kids will have to suffer the harm that does. I'll live with that because it's the best I can do.

But as for you Sunny, what a lot of crap to deal with this week. I'm sorry about your cut. And your loss. And having to endure the presence of a woman that was involved in the destruction of your family.

I think the truth is best Sunny, so saying you don't approve of the way their relationship began or that she'd play a role in the destruction of a family and marriage, and for that reason you don't want her in your life...I think that's ok. You can say something similar that she simply shares different beliefs, that you understand she may become part of your children's life, and that you won't be upset if they get along with her because you understand it's not their choice either, it's just them accepting what life is giving them.

I have no advice about getting over your boyfriend. Lot of suffering in this world, even for super awesome people. It stinks. I guess the only bright side to any of this is you can tell people you were bit by an alligator...