Well, bummer on the lock changing. No, don't sit him down. No, don't tell him what you "want". Tell him what you NEED. In front of him. While standing. It is not a discussion, its a statement. You are taking the keys from a drunk driver and you are driving the car now.
Hi Ciluzen, thank you so much for all of your advice - it is amazing! I have tried really hard to be firm but it hasn't gone well and I am still no further on. I have told him the last two weekends that I need this 'new normal' to stop, that I need him to stop coming round whenever he likes if he has no intention of reconciling. It was met with a stony, silent face. He sat looking annoyed for a long time. At one point he looked like he might be wiping a tear away from his face. Then he snapped out of it, carried on as normal with the kids and has continued coming round every day just the same as before I said it.
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
I just realized how dissatisfied and negative my H is with every aspect of his life right now...this weekend. It isn't even just me he's upset with anymore. Its everything in his life. Trust me. This can get worse...and its not just you. You are not the bad guy...and he, deep down, probably knows it. Or will figure it out. So, be assertive and don't stumble at all. Its a consequence of his actions, not a character flaw in you.
I love you for this! It was like a light went on in my head when I read this, thank you! I think you're right, it is everything. He is grumpy about everything. He has zero patience with the kids AND other people out and about (other drivers for one example!).
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
Why wouldn't it put you off, LOL!? What an incredibly NORMAL human response to someone flying off the handle! See, there's nothing wrong with you. Practice no response, or at maximum, validation with no "but" followed by you turning away and disengaging. Validation, such as "I understand this is upsetting to you." Aaaand....scene.[quote] I think H has been reading your advice to me Ciluzen! This is what H does - every time! I have tried to do it these last two weeks and it just causes him to say, "I know, I'm sorry." Then it's back to square one. I don't know how to get through to this guy!!!
Hey, IP! Happy Mother's Day! Is that just a U.S. and Canada thing? It shouldn't be. I think I will take an idea from you and get some flowers for the front walk with my younger D today. I have a few empty pots to fill.[quote] Thanks for the Mother's Day wishes Ciluzen! Yes, we do have Mother's Day here but it is earlier in the year. It was middle of March this year. Did you get some flowers? I'm so pleased with how my doorstep looks now.
[quote=ciluzen]As for not making speeches? Just don't. I'm a speech maker. I'm obviously wordy. But my 180 has been to just make statements to my H when I want him to actually hear me. Otherwise, I find that as has happened over the years, he expects the speech and tunes me out. All of it. So...look him in the eye with a small smile/ pleasant look to your face (practice in the mirror) and then make a brief, to the point statement. Follow that with a big smile and a, "I am very firm on this. I hope you understand I feel its best for our sanity/ health/ scedule/ emotional health/ security (pick one or two to go with the statement)." Nod your head for emphasis if you have to. Then walk away and busy yourself elsewhere. Or go somewhere. Leave him and ignore him (trust me, there will be behavior to ignore after that). Don't engage. No arguing. Not your circus anymore.
LOL Ciluzen, we are so similar! I'm a speech maker too. I did walk away when I had said what I needed to happen. I went outside and cut all of the grass - took about an hour and a half - I came back inside to find H still sitting there with the same annoyed expression on his face. Nothing I do seems to be getting through!
Originally Posted By: ciluzen
I'm proud of your GAL stuff! I knew you could do it! Remember how we were back during Christmas holidays? Change happens right under our noses.
I certainly do Ciluzen, and I know we are tonnes better now. I definitely don't want to go back there!
