Need some help from the DB community! Crunch Time!

[Accuray]

Sorry again cbtdad. One suggestion I found really helpful is that I would meet with our MC 1:1 between sessions. He would say things to me in private that he wouldn't say in front of both of us, and I was also able to steer him towards where I wanted to go and what I wanted him to stay away from.

Its all about preparation, you don't want to be caught flat-footed or go in a direction you're not comfortable with.

The answer to your wife's question about how to break the cycle is that both of you need to adopt a "pay it forward" attitude, or "ask not what my spouse has done for me, but what I can do for my spouse"

As my DB coach taught me, your feelings follow your actions. If you act loving, you will feel loving. If your W is nice to you, she will feel good about you. It's really as simple as that.

Where that breaks down for many couples is that person A will do something nice for person B, and person B won't respond the way they expected. They therefore feel disappointed/shunned/etc. and that makes them put their guard up. They made an overture and the overture was rejected. Therefore they're unlikely to make the same overture again, and eventually any overture, because they don't want to feel rejected and hurt.

It's often a five love languages thing where people reach out in ways they would like to receive. If that's not your channel, you may miss the overture and fail to respond appropriately. The "golden rule" I have learned is that if your spouse or partner does *anything* nice for you you need to respond with sincere gratitude, even if it's not your thing. Your relationship needs to have a culture of gratitude, because if it does, it's a safe place to make overtures and that's what you want.

Acc