Focus on the work, not the when

[bigybiz]

Melo: How's it going. I've not heard from ya in a few days.

[Melo]

Ok, so been away for a bit and glad I came back, this place keeps me grounded. W has been at the house for 2 weeks without leaving to "meditate". We had an R talk a few days ago and she said that she couldn't forgive me for some of the things I did, talking about our relationship at work, having cheated on her 9 years ago, and not being focused on getting a house. She asked me if I had cheated with my coworker and I told her I didn't, she seemed to believe me. All the things she mentioned are things I'm changing, but they take time. I found out her phone code (OM's age and hers)and did more snooping...and found another OM?! A younger dude, from the profile pic. Someone she needs a hug from apparently. Do WW's have more than just one OM at a time?! Maybe the original OM isn't paying her enough attention, so she has to get it from OM2? Maybe it is the original OM but with a different picture?! My head hurts. Things seemed to be moving in th he right direction, but now all I want to do is move out and let her see what life would really be like without me.

[bigybiz]

Melo: I know this is the worst time and the "fix" of finding the info you are looking for seems like a good idea. You, We, Me, etc have to stop the snooping. It is just bad.

Yesterday, W and I talked about the snooping I did and how much it hurt - I told her I will never do it again. I also, said I want a trusting relationship, so I won't have to.

Maybe when you feel the need to snoop - remind yourself that you are better than that or would you be OK with telling your kids what you are doing, whatever.

We just have to say NO.

Sorry for the tough talk - but we need to hold each other accountable.

[Melo]

You are absolutely right biz. I just hate it when she gets all sneaky. I can feel it when she is thinking about him, it's crazy. Her Mom got her to stop going out every night (I haven't told anyone what I have found yet) because she doesn't like the fact that my W acts like a teenager. I just need to stop and breathe before snooping, I don't really get anything out of it anyway other than losing sleep and worrying. Although I do feel more focused today like if I'm in a competition with OM.

[AndrewP]

Although I do feel more focused today like if I'm in a competition with OM.

One thing I keep telling myself is that I am NOT in competition with OM. He is not part of my family, not part of my M, not my concern. My concern is with my family, myself, my W and our M.

Not that I don't have fantasies about him getting caught by the cops with a bunch of hookers or such .....

[bigybiz]

Melo:

As MWD has written: the high from that they get from the A, etc is something you/we can't compete with. Any steps to fight it will bring backlash on you/us.

For my W it's not an OM it's this new "community" she is part of. She feels they are the only people who understand her and she found herself because of them and I'm trying to stop her from her dreams, etc, etc, etc.

But, when she is faced with the loss of her family and home, etc (Please read my post from today for more details), she starts to backtrack. She is now starting to get that she can have 2K twitter followers and a great job, but Christmas dinner alone would really suck.

Forget the competing. Even if you got him arrested (Nice one AndrewP), chances are she will funnel that energy into something/someone else.

Forget the snooping - that eats away at our souls and will give her ammo. I've really started to "win" a little. I've been making changes that are driving her nuts. Maybe do something she has always wanted you to do, or do something she hates, or something that makes her squirm. Sometimes these gentle nudges will get a reaction and knock some sense into her.

[Melo]

Ha! Nice, well put Andrew! I guess competing with him gives him too much power. And you are right he will never be part of the family and in a competition someone wins and someone loses; he will always lose, so I guess it's not a competition after all.

[Melo]

Wow, thanks biz, I really needed that today. You are absolutely right. I need to refocus, away from her and her circus; back to me and my kids.

[bigybiz]

Melo:

I know my suggestion to do something to get a reaction is contrary to the themes and general advice here, I apologize. I really enjoyed watching my WW/WAW shake her head when she saw something changing or when "she said why are you doing all this at once - why did you not do it when it could have made a difference".

So be careful, but make sure you, the family, benefit from it first and if you get a reaction - great.

[Melo]

I am getting my own apartment because the W wants to be "alone" with the kids. It feels good to finally be taking some action, but I am currently walking through Wal-Mart crying because I am getting shoes for my autistic son, who I won't see everyday anymore.