Found out 12 Hours ago. What now?

[Accuray]

Time to start a new thread!

Yeah that's the problem with exposure as we've discussed -- it increases resentment. That's why most people here don't recommend it.

Did you ask her what her motive for counseling is?

She said we can't continue in this limbo so we have either go here or to d

So she made an ultimatum and threatened you. How do you feel about that?

Is that how you want things to work?

It sounds to me like her motive for counseling is to get you to stop discussing her affair with anyone else. She's afraid that she doesn't have the power to control you, so she's looking for a professional to intervene on her behalf.

If that's her motivation for counseling, why would you agree to that? What's in it for you?

I suggest not going to counseling. Either she wants to work on the relationship, or she doesn't. Based on the fact that she's getting her own place and still actively in touch with OM, she doesn't want to work on the relationship and therefore there is no need for counseling.

If she's afraid of what you'll say or do too bad, her actions have had consequences. Obviously it would be to your benefit to not make that situation worse, but you don't owe her anything.

I would say "W, I appreciate that you're worried about what I might say about your affair, and I understand that you're angry about what I've said already. I'm done talking about it. I don't see any point in going to counseling unless you want to work on our relationship, and in order to do that, you need to end your affair and go 'no contact' with OM. Until that happens, there is no point in going to counseling. If you want to proceed with divorce I guess that's what you have to do, but I'm not going to waste my time in counseling unless we are both committed to working on our relationship."

If you can't hold the line on this and decide you DO want to go to counseling with her anyway, here's the only way you should do it:

1) You pick the counselor
2) You meet with the counselor 1:1 in advance, explain the situation, explain what you want to get out of counseling and what your agenda is, and see if the counselor will work with you.

If they are not going to work with you or you don't get a good vibe, go back to step 1 and pick a new counselor. Do your screening before you mention any of them to W.

Once you find one you think is marriage friendly and will play by your rules, then go ahead if you want to -- but I really think it's a bad idea.

I would call her bluff. Why do you want to be married to someone who's having an affair?

Acc