I’ve read DR. I’m a recovering “Nice Guy” trying to figure out what stage of DR to apply- is it full blown LRT time? I’m currently implementing a modified 180, just trying to do things differently. My story:
My history:
Married for 17 years to the same woman, together for 24 years. The last three have been hell.
We met each other at 19. Moved out together, formed a great partnership. Early on, it seemed important for her to make the decisions; she acted like she wanted a sensitive man. So I worked hard to be “fair” to her. To please her. Classic nice guy stuff. Early on, we set up a co-dependant relationship, she was super clingy, wanting to go out with me when I wanted to go out with my friends. Not giving me space. I didn’t set boundaries—I really wanted her to be happy. We were inseparable and I felt we were taking on the world together. We moved to LA together, I got my law degree, she her MD. All seemed great.
After our first child, 12 years into our relationship, she became more and more critical of me, lashing out. Pointing out my faults. I, the dutiful husband didn’t fight, back but let her walk all over me. After all, she was stressed from working to be a doctor and the guilt of long hours away from our child. We moved from LA, and made the decision that I would stay at home and work part time and take care of the kids. I don’t regret it for the kids’ sake, but it had a negative impact on our relationship. I became more and more devoted to helping her reach her career goals and helping keep the family going. But I was on auto-pilot in my own career, thinking only of how to help her. Not developing my own friends in our new life.
All this, I believe let to our loss of a man/woman relationship, which only got worse when my son was born 6 years ago. Less sex, worse sex. Me trying harder to please her, to help her emotionally through a brutally tough career. Giving up my own power for love. Things only got worse the more power and money she gained in her career.
Fast forward three years ago, she said she wanted therapy. I was totally shocked and hurt. I didn’t think we needed any, so I did nothing. I missed the memo that I was supposed to find the therapist. She pulled away more and more, I doubled down on being nice. I worked out to be more attractive, but missed the point of getting stronger from the inside. I developed premature ejaculation, which got real bad the more she withdrew. It got to the point that she didn’t’ even want me to kiss her during sex. I was full of anxiety, tried SSRI drugs. Nothing worked. She told me to “fix” it. Finally, after trying a MC we both hated, we started going to a sex therapist. I worked solo on my sexual issues, and believe I have largely solved it. But during this time I was emotionally distraught, and made things worse by appealing to our future, pursuing strongly, asking her to come back to me, crying, and so on. She kept saying we shouldn't be having sex while working through therapy.
But after almost of year of awkward touch therapy that she was never into, my wife finally told me during therapy that “the light has gone out.” And she doesn’t want to have sex with me. But she claimed to love me. To me, this is the functional equivalent of ILYBINILWY. When I asked if she saw a future for us as a man/woman, she just “doesn’t know.” Knowing her schedule, I don’t believe she is having a physical affair, but she could have had an emotional affair.
What I’m doing now:
I woke up shortly after this, and am working on GAL, and becoming stronger and independent. I believe I have to break my NG syndrome for me to save our marriage or if we can’t, for my future life. Mainly I'm just doing what I didn't do before because what I did before wasn't working. More stuff on my own. Working on my career with the eyes on my future, versus trying to be a support for the family to further my wife's difficult career. Not texting or calling unless there's a real reason. Not following her around when she's home. Not trying for the daily hugs I bargained for (in retrospect what a weak move that was-asking for table scraps). Not being so available for her. Really working on losing the attachment, and detaching without stopping loving. All real tough since I facilitate our family operations. But my own career is very part time and uncertain. And my confidence is super low.
In one of our last therapy sessions, our MC asked what our relationship goals were. I stated. "My end goal is to be in an affectionate fulfilling intimate relationship with a woman where we are both fully and equally engaged emotionally, physically, and sexually." I said that’s what I wanted, no matter who I end up with. She said she wants to walk side by side with a partner that’s her equal, who will die for her but doesn’t need her.
Since then, I continued my personal work. She wavered in and out of distance and platonic contact. My W and I had a big conversation the night before Mother’s day. She opened up for the first time in a long time. We decided together that we were both not benefiting from the counselor we were going to. I asked her if she was open to trying another counselor, she said she was but was not sure if therapy could help us. She asked whether I had considered that we weren’t compatible. That what we wanted during our twenty’s could be different now.
She asked why I still wanted to be with her. She really seemed to want me to be negative, was tired of me being optimistic. I told her I wasn’t optimistic anymore, that I didn’t have her on a pedestal. That I was trying to keep the family together. That I feel we had been in love once and could be again. Against my better judgement, she got me to tell her some of things I really didn’t like about her. She accepted it okay. She seemed to want me to be negative. But no matter what I still have not been able to get to her tell me she’s done with our marriage.
I told her this would never work unless she was fully committed to the therapy. We disagreed about whether or not she had been committed to the current therapy. I think she never bought into it. We’ve agreed that we would look for another MC.
She said that over the years she had lost the feeling of me as a protector. I think this is unfair, but it explains a lot. She also accused me of being angry. I said I was angry because when she started to feel differently about me she didn’t do enough to get through to me to save our relationship. She said she did, but I didn’t listen. I said I didn’t understand which stuff was really meaningful because it came in the midst of many other criticisms of me. I agreed that we both had made mistakes. But I reminded her a few times that I still only want a full man/woman relationship long term. We talked a lot. She claims to like me and really care for me still, but she’s afraid to express general kindness and friendship to me because she’s afraid I’ll stop listening to her. But she said no matter what happens she always wants to be my friend. I said that’s hard to accept that she's still me friend when she treats me like [censored] all the time. She told me she’d work on being a better friend to me. I said thank you. She spent the rest of the evening handing out with me, and it was a veil had been removed. We were hanging out without tension. Certainly no intimate vibes, but friendly for the first time in a while.
My questions:
So I’m in a conundrum as to what to do. I think if we are going to be together our dynamic has to change. I’m caught between being happy to have a less icy relationship, and the feeling that if we’re too friendly, she won’t be able to transition back into a couple.
Anybody have any ideas? She seems like a partial WAW, but not walking away yet. I’m not sure whether to do full bore NRT or continue to work a modified 180. Is being friends with her when she’s not in love with me a fast trip to staying in the friend zone forever? Is there any chance to keep working on our relationship, when her discussion seems to be implying she doesn’t think we’re compatible again, about focusing on how she wants to stay friends no matter what.
