Focus on me and my boys

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: sandi2


I was later told that I was not acting like myself when I was in the fog. Well, I didn't feel like myself, either. I had replaced an inappropriate relationship and a fantasy for my MR and real life

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Sandi,

I may be asking too personal of a question, you don't have to respond if I am. Who was the person that told you that you were not acting like yourself? How did you eventually turn yourself around and convince yourself to work on the MR?

My mother talked with me, later, and told me It was obvious I had not been myself. She and I were very close and she could read me pretty well.

I don't know that I can point to just one thing and say "this" or "that" turned me around. When I look back, I can see how things fell into place that was, as Wonka would say, my come to Jesus moment.

I had a desperate need to talk to someone about my situation. I had not shared anything with another person. One night I got online, searching for some type of chat board, or something, just to have someone talk to me. That night I "accidentally" stumbled my way to this board. I had never been on a forum in my life. I kept telling people to talk to me plainly, b/c I needed to hear it. Not hear the criticism of how bad I was and how much I was hurting my H............b/c that just made me defensive.

I was very blessed to have several great people who took time to really talk in a way I would listen. There were two ladies who seem to be more instrumental in turning me back. I owe them, and this board, a world of gratitude. It scares me to think how close I came in destroying my life and taking down my family, as well.

First, I had to put my feelings aside and choose to do the right thing. Which of course, meant ending things with OM. I don't know if anyone understands how emotional that is for a WW. I felt as if I was cutting the line that was saving my life. So crazy, but that's how it felt then. I told OM goodbye and came back to the board to report. I was asked to say the exact words I told OM. I did, and was told that wasn't good enough, and that I had left open a back door. I was also warned that OM would contact later and try again. So, I had to firmly, without any reservations, tell him our A was a huge mistake and I loved my H and was going to stay in my M......and for OM to never contact me again.

That was hard! But then came the withdrawals. Oh fun times! I did not want to be with my H. My feelings for him had not miraculously changed when I ended my A. God, it was hard going through that first year after NC with OM. I was acting out of sheer will to do the right thing. Doing the right thing is not always easy and the emotions are not there encouraging you onward. If anything, I kept OM in my head for months, thinking about all the "what if's". Fantasizing about him. Well........you simply cannot move forward as long as you have another man in your head. In a way, I can identify with you all who have problems getting your mind off your WW. It was a battle for me to get that man out of my mind. Slowly, but surely, it left.

My strength came through my personal faith/spiritual belief, and the support of my wonderful and loving family. I will always be grateful to MWD for having this support forum, b/c it was the lighthouse for me.