Need some help from the DB community! Crunch Time!

[Accuray]

cbtdad,

Sorry I make you cringe! Often the advice you get is not to leave the house because if you do, and your spouse is vindictive, they can spin it into an abandonment claim, or their lawyer will threaten to do so to use that as leverage against you.

First of all, I think the chances of that happening are actually pretty low. Your W doesn't seem like she wants to deny you access to your son. Secondly, you don't have to leave with all your stuff in the middle of the night. You can formalize a separation plan that you both agree to. Discuss it with a lawyer if you're worried.

I don't think you can make this better living under the same roof.

There is too much pressure, too much emotion. DB'ing is near impossible as it is. I really, really think you should make it worse in order for it to get better. Make a plan to move out and share it with W.

Where to go? Get on AirBNB and HomeAway and Craigslist and look for someone renting a room, or a short term apartment rental. Sign up for a couple weeks initially and then reassess. Sometimes people will rent you a room in their house with varying degrees of privacy. Having other people in the house may be a good thing to combat feeling alone.

You need to give W relief from feeling under the microscope, and you need to do it right away. The only way you're going to do that is to go the other direction, and to do so in a big way.

I *know* you're scared. I was scared, it was the most terrifying thing ever! I remember talking to my IC and sharing that I didn't think I'd find anyone to date who would be as wonderful as my W. My IC actually laughed at me.

The reality is that I had NO PROBLEM finding wonderful women to date and I'm no Adonis. Should the worst thing happen and you end up divorced, you will have no problem finding another great relationship, and from what you've learned through this process the next one will be even better.

We're not there yet, and I'm definitely NOT encouraging you to date at this point, but I am telling you that if you come out the other side it's not the end of the world, and it's not doom and gloom. You'll be just fine, and you will be happy, with W or without her.

She is NOT the key to your happiness, you are. In order to get there, you need to do some healing. She is NOT the key to your healing, you are, and it's going to take you some time.

Rearview mirror, every decision I was afraid of making (1) was not nearly as dire or significant as I made it out to be, (2) was not irreversible, and (3) would have been better made sooner than later.

The stakes simply are not as high as you fear for taking bold and dramatic action. The stakes for taking half measures and "wait and see" are very high indeed. Inaction is erosion. Stop the erosion by changing the landscape.

Acc