Focus on me and my boys

[J5K]

@Painter,

I have already made these type of requests before with her and she has not complied.

We both agreed that we wanted a big family. I think I stated this earlier in a thread, I was concerned when we did adopt the 4th that most of the responsibility would fall on her. Then when we were blessed with fostering a 4 month old that was the gift of what she wanted in having a baby since we could not conceive. Our S2 is so sweet and has been since the first day he came into our home.

We were on a path to making things happen to get her back home.
I was working OT trying to save every penny to ensure we were financially stable where she thought I was running away from her and being distant. She communicated lots of emotional info to me when I first filed for D and had control. So I started working on those things but it was all for nothing because she was not going to stop seeing OMs and now because of me being too nice I allowed myself to get into a position of losing my home and possibly losing custody of my boys.

I don't know, there is a combination of things that got us to this place and yes I recognize and own up to my faults but I can't take all the blame for the failure of this MR.

So now she is going for the jugular and wants to take every penny I have. Her mother is buying the house. Some how I feel STBX and MIL have something planned that will deny me any rights to obtaining half of the house being built in Canada.

I fear that the psychologist and judge will decide in her favor and then I will never live down the "see I was right" attitude she will give me. STBX says she will accept 50/50 custody and co-parent in Toronto just because she feels her job is to be a SAHM, but I don't believe anything she says anymore after the actions she has taken.

The big question is, will a judge in Michigan rule that a SAHM can move kids 4.5 hours away from their father or recommend that I move there also. All because her MIL will be buying a brand new house for them to live in and I would not be able to provide the same?

The house in Canada is 3,300 square feet with 5 bedrooms, where I will only be able to afford a 2,000 square foot house in Michigan with 3 bedrooms.

[Painter]

Jim, I didn't mean to make a request of OW. I meant to inform her what will happen if she doesn't return the clothes. But before that, you also need to weigh what the cost of the L is vs. the cost of replacing the clothes once you have the key to your own place where OW does not have access unsupervised. The L's motion may cost more than the clothes, and there's the risk of you looking petty in court. But document it and present it at the appropriate time. Make sure this L doesn't take advantage and files motions about anything and everything to bolster the bill. You can include the return of the clothes in the custody decision - this is not unusual, that once custody is resolved, there's wording included about the children's posessions.

Is your L worried and thinks it's a real risk that a judge will let W take the kids out of the country? Is she Canadian? Are the kids Canadian citizens? I hear your worry and defeat - I don't think you have to be too concerned. Judges normally do not let one parent take the children out of the state or country, unless the other parent is deemed unfit. Is there any risk for you to be deemed unfit?

I think maybe your W is throwing you off with her confidence. Her confidence could be completely off - what she is trying to achieve, is highly unlikely.

Do you have a plan for taking care of the children? Are you already involved in their day to day care? Do you have backup for when you are at work? Can you manage without OW? Do you have someone lined up for when the kids need to be picked up/come with the bus until you come home from work? Those are the things you need to worry about - not what happens *if* a judge makes a highly unusual decision.

That's what judges look at, not the size of your house. Don't even bother to compare. And stop putting yourself down - you don't know what you'll be able to afford down the road.

[J5K]

Sadhub,

Thank you for the continued support.

I feel her entitlement to things has been going on her entire life. I don't think the absurdity will ever stop with her.

She is a Capricorn and I have done some research, they view social status as important. I am a Cancer and view family as important. I am her opposite sign.

I thought we had a good balance going but I guess even the little things I did wrong were enough to push her away.

[J5K]

Painter,

I understand what you mean now about the clothes.

L is not concerned with what the judge will say. STBX is Canadian. The boys are not.

Well since we are going through a psych eval I don't think that the psychologist will deem either one of us unfit. But I don't know what STBX is telling psychologist either to make me look unfit.

Yes, I have a plan for daycare and school age care or a nanny to be with the boys while I am at work. Just like every other dual income family does things.

[Painter]

Judges hate petty stuff - that's why I suggest to leave it for now. Ls sometimes are very combative on behalf of the client, but you need to pick your battles wisely. I've seen judges ream out parents for not being able to figure out stuff like that - they are willing to make a decision on custody, but they are meant to be a very last resort when all attempts to agree, have failed. Unfortunately, that can sometimes get tricky for a person dealing with a difficult ex-spouse. Sometimes you have to show through repeated court action that the other person is sabotaging the coparenting, but you should only bring matters in front of the judge if it's really important and you've tried everything else.

One consideration for judges when it comes to custody, is to give primary custody to the parent who is most likely to foster a good relationship with the other parent. So - they look for the parent who is not petty, who does not put down the other parent to the kids or anyone else or in court, who shares information freely and respects the children's relationship to the other parent, who is focused on the kids' wellbeing (stability, health, good caretakers, extended family (do you have your family around?)), etc. If you keep your focus on the kids and weigh every interaction with W in light of what is best for them (and that includes valueing yourself as the stable parent in their life and not put yourself down or be defeated), you rarely can go wrong. If all you say in court is about the kids and their best interest, the judge will appreciate you. If W says negative stuff about you, it will most likely reflect badly on her. That goes for what she tells the psychologist, too - they look right through that.

It will also look bad on her that she's already breaking rules - like taking their clothes, changing times, etc. It reflects on her ability to stick to agreements in the future. Show yourself as a very trustworthy and reliable person, and never petty.

My H has a security clearance. His ex tried to ruin that for him by claiming he had drug problems and other issues that could cause him to lose it. The reviewers knew they had just gone through D and didn't take her seriously, but it could potentially have lost him his job. Since she got a generous alimony, I'm not sure why she would try to cut off the branch she was sitting on, but it speaks to how crazy people can get.

As long as you have a viable plan and feel confident that you can take care of the kids, I think you should trust your L's confidence. I don't see how she could make 50/50 happen with kids going to school. I suspect the judge is going to say, 'if your parents can put you up with a house in Canada, they can put you up with a house in Michigan'. They also don't like people who presume things, so her going ahead with her plans already may also work against her.

I don't know if you have read up on the custody guidelines for your state, but I would encourage you to get familiar with the language and considerations. When you speak about custody, always speak of the children's right - their right to time with you, with W, with extended family. It will be noticed and appreciated.

That's what I have to share right now... hope it can be useful. I led a national blended family organization for 10 years and this was part of what we did - support families going through custody battles.

[J5K]

Thank you for the information Painter.

I am sure that things could be viewed as petty from both sides of the fence.

I am typically the one that lets things slide. W was always the more critical person with both me and the boys.

I think you are correct in suggesting not to file a motion at this time for the clothes. But she has also not complied with getting a studio apartment per the nesting plan agreement. She has been spending 140 per night on a hotel when she is in town. Her justification is I can stay at my parents when she has nights with the boys which I don't have a problem with. Her justification of being here is so the boys are not in after school care and daycare yet she is spending the same amount for her to be here as I would have in child care.

These are the things I have to deal with now. Very complicated.

[Painter]

Not so complicated if you focus on the kids and give W rope. Just observe what she does and document. But you also need to be able to show that you objected when she did it, because you have to be accountable. Just don't expect anything from her, it's merely something you have to check off on your list.

"W, I noticed that you took most of the children's clothes from the house. This is in breach of the parenting plan. Please bring the clothes back on your next return. Thank you, Jim."

Then don't expect her to do it, or expect a negative reaction. If you get a negative reaction, just say, 'okay', then document again. "W replied to my request to return the children's clothes with "Blahblahblah" via text on xday at xx:xxpm."

Was it her responsibility to get the studio apartment, or were you both supposed to get one rented and stay there when you are not in the house?

[J5K]

Thank you again Painter,

I have been documenting Ws reactions to my requests similarly to the way you have suggested. She has not listened to me in a very long time so I really have no expectations from her.

Unless it was vacations she never organized anything else, unless it was her idea. In her mind her sole purpose was to raise the boys and make them perfect little soldiers as quickly as she could. We have a cleaning lady that comes once a week. So W cooked, mostly meals that took 30 minutes or less (which is fine, I never complained, I was just happy to eat), cleaned as required to keep the home spotless (part of her OCD), laundry for the family (I took my clothes to the drycleaners), helped the boys with homework. Major grocery shopping was done as a family or split 50/50 between us. Not discounting anything she did. She still had time to do her own thing, went to gym in the middle of the day. I never said to her she could not go get her nails done or not get a hair cut. When things went south, she spewed back at me saying she did not do those things for herself to save money for the family.

IDK, lately as we go through this D, her focus on the boys has been less than stellar as she is so focused on getting past all this and moving on without me. The only reason she feels so strongly about this is because her mother is supporting her and going to help her maintain an upper middle class lifestyle. Really? The woman is 36 years old? When do you cut the umbilical cord?

It was both our responsibility to find a studio apartment. We could not find a month to month lease or if we did, it was not up to her standard of living and in a lower income area. I had found a one bedroom to rent for 6 months in a nice area and sent her emails but she responded with blahblahblah and did her own thing. Her L basically supported her also and said too bad, this is how it is going to be.

On a positive note, went and saw the condos today with the boys. Poor guys, they were like, this place is so small! I tried to stay cheerful but was at a loss for words. I focused on the positives about the daycare and school being so close and how we were just a 5 minute drive from my sister's house. S7 perked up after that and was ok with it. He stated he wanted to stay in the same home and same school. I validated and had a very difficult time explaining to him why we had to move. I feel bad that they are in limbo with me. They keep wanting to go visit friends and family so I am doing my best to keep them occupied on the weekends. Since we were near my sister's we stopped by for an hour and the boys had fun.

OK, most of what I wrote above is probably just babbling. Actually feel tired now so goodnight to all and hope you have a wonderful start to the work week.

[SH_]

JimKao,

You are doing well in the face of some serious insanity. You did well with the boys and they will adapt. It will be a challenge for you but they will make it because you are stable and that is what will matter in the future.

Get some sound rest and I hope you find some good times this week. Or better yet, go out and make those good times. That is something you can control.

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: sandi2


I was later told that I was not acting like myself when I was in the fog. Well, I didn't feel like myself, either. I had replaced an inappropriate relationship and a fantasy for my MR and real life

.


Sandi,

I may be asking too personal of a question, you don't have to respond if I am. Who was the person that told you that you were not acting like yourself? How did you eventually turn yourself around and convince yourself to work on the MR?

My mother talked with me, later, and told me It was obvious I had not been myself. She and I were very close and she could read me pretty well.

I don't know that I can point to just one thing and say "this" or "that" turned me around. When I look back, I can see how things fell into place that was, as Wonka would say, my come to Jesus moment.

I had a desperate need to talk to someone about my situation. I had not shared anything with another person. One night I got online, searching for some type of chat board, or something, just to have someone talk to me. That night I "accidentally" stumbled my way to this board. I had never been on a forum in my life. I kept telling people to talk to me plainly, b/c I needed to hear it. Not hear the criticism of how bad I was and how much I was hurting my H............b/c that just made me defensive.

I was very blessed to have several great people who took time to really talk in a way I would listen. There were two ladies who seem to be more instrumental in turning me back. I owe them, and this board, a world of gratitude. It scares me to think how close I came in destroying my life and taking down my family, as well.

First, I had to put my feelings aside and choose to do the right thing. Which of course, meant ending things with OM. I don't know if anyone understands how emotional that is for a WW. I felt as if I was cutting the line that was saving my life. So crazy, but that's how it felt then. I told OM goodbye and came back to the board to report. I was asked to say the exact words I told OM. I did, and was told that wasn't good enough, and that I had left open a back door. I was also warned that OM would contact later and try again. So, I had to firmly, without any reservations, tell him our A was a huge mistake and I loved my H and was going to stay in my M......and for OM to never contact me again.

That was hard! But then came the withdrawals. Oh fun times! I did not want to be with my H. My feelings for him had not miraculously changed when I ended my A. God, it was hard going through that first year after NC with OM. I was acting out of sheer will to do the right thing. Doing the right thing is not always easy and the emotions are not there encouraging you onward. If anything, I kept OM in my head for months, thinking about all the "what if's". Fantasizing about him. Well........you simply cannot move forward as long as you have another man in your head. In a way, I can identify with you all who have problems getting your mind off your WW. It was a battle for me to get that man out of my mind. Slowly, but surely, it left.

My strength came through my personal faith/spiritual belief, and the support of my wonderful and loving family. I will always be grateful to MWD for having this support forum, b/c it was the lighthouse for me.