Sandi, if your around I'd like to ask you a question..
What where you like emotionally before your A, and how did that change once you were in the fog?
The reason I ask is prior to the A, my wife was sensitive, she would sometimes tear up due to happiness or sadness, but since the A, she is like a robot... She says that she was balling when talking to the therapist, but she's never even once seemed sad when we've talked about us, not even when it's gotten to talks about it being over... The only emotion now seems to be disdain and anger, other than the couple of pity hugs that she gave me at the beginning of all this when I would break down...
That is hard for me to answer in a few short sentences. I think I was more sensitive and got my feelings hurt, more than I would like to admit. I've been told that I am very friendly and warm, and can be a lot of fun. I meet people easily, and enjoy being around others. People usually could tell by my emotions if I was happy, sad, or upset. I loved having people over to my house. I was usually the first one to speak up in a group discussion. I probably had some control issues, too, (now that I reflect back) but I was totally blind about it at the time. I think I was sensitive to other people's feelings, but it may not have shown......IDK. My family (including my H) have always seen me being much stronger than I think I really am.
I was, clearly, the extrovert and my H the introvert. I don't think I was the bossy or nagging type.......but I would push down the resentment when my H would not step up and do what I thought the man should do. I felt I had to step up and take charge in some things (especially the kids) b/c he wouldn't. He never protected/defended me from his mother's vicious tongue, and some other things I won't get into right now.
Same with the MR. I wanted the MR I saw in my parents. I was always entergetic and doing whatever I read in how to improve our MR. But I felt that I was the one always leading or in charge of the relationship. I would talk to him about what I needed, and I would cry, and get terribly frustrated b/c I could see no effort on his part. Over time, (with a lot of stress and unfulfilled dreams and unmet expectations) I eventually gave up and become somewhat withdrawn. My emotional needs had not been met in the MR, and neither were his. The resentment and disrespect was taking over my whole being. I felt disgust and maybe even bitter toward my H. I saw no hope in him as my H. My insides felt dead. The thought of him touching me turned me cold as ice.
Once I started inappropriate Internet contacts, and especially once I engaged in an EA with OM, it was like living a double life. I lived for my time with OM and everything else took second place.....or lower. I just went through the motions of every day life when at home, with family, etc.
When my H confronted me the first time, I would not look at him and sat there emotionless. I was so cold. However, I finally broke down and cried, and told him I would end contacts, etc. (But I just got more sneaky). The second confrontation, my heart was beating sooooo fast, b/c I had been caught.......but I never broke down......I just walked out.
I can identify with the disdain, b/c I had lost so much respect for my H. I could hardly stay in the same room over five minutes. I would feel as if I were suffocating.
I was later told that I was not acting like myself when I was in the fog. Well, I didn't feel like myself, either. I had replaced an inappropriate relationship and a fantasy for my MR and real life.
Don't know if this answers your question.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
