Thanks for the support sadhub. I know I need to GAL and go against the grain. She sure is carrying on with her life. She came to the house yesterday afternoon and said her and a group of friends from the rescue she's helping out with were going out. She left yesterday afternoon and I didn't hear anything all night. I stayed up until about 1am for her to make sure she made it back safe. Typically I would text her or call her. But I know that part of detaching is letting her do her thing. I didn't sleep worth a dern last night. Everytime I woke up she wasn't there. Finally when I was getting ready for church she texted:
Sorry meant to text you last night and tell you I wasn't coming home but I passed out sitting up.
I didn't text back. I didn't have anything to say what wouldn't be condescending. Return from church and she's still not there. She's got to come to the house some time. I don't know what I'm going to say. I really have nothing nice to say. She wants to take some of our dogs with her when she moves out. I don't know if I trust her to take care of them.
Anyways, 9 more days until reality hits her. In 9 days there won't be any going out all night and staying gone all day. I think this is the first day where I've been angry. I guess anger is part of the process. Only one of many emotions to experience as part of this process.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
i don't know what to do, she texted asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital to visit someone.
me - no thanks
her - you don't want to see [this person]
i didn't reply right away...then
her - if you're mad at me that's fine, you've been an a--hole lately anyway...but despite all the f---ed sh-t you've done or do i try to do for you. so sit over there in self pity.
me - i'm sorry you feel i've been an a--hole. i've tried to be cordial to you. i am thankful for what you do.
her - OK.
I admit, i have been quiet around her. but i don't necessarily think i've been an a--hole. i don't know what to say or do anymore...
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
so without me responding to the above mentioned texts, she texted back and said - alright my migraines finally gone, i'm getting in the shower. you sure you don't want to go?
i know my W. and i know that if i want ANY possible chance at reconciliation at all i should probably tone down my standoffish attitude.
so, i'm going to go and i'm going to be jolly freaking sunshine. try and make her see who/what she's giving up by walking away. it's that whole thing with words vs. actions right? dang this is going to be hard. i really want to drill her with: where have you been? what have you been doing? who were you with? but for now, this isn't the time/place. i am the LBH. i need to realize i'm not the H. not now.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
Thank goodness today is mercifully over. I've cycled back and forth between anger and sadness all day. I don't want to have many more days like this. I hope that when she is gone the days will be better. Because her being here is hell emotionally.
At least when she's not here I'll have an objective. GET MY WIFE BACK. Right now she's gone mentally. Here physically. But in her mind she's not here. There's nothing I can do now but pray.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
Collin. I'm sorry about the emotional day. But I agree with darkness. Set some goals starting now. In my opinion it will help you. Emotions are hard to deal with and control. One moment at a time. Remember Stop Breathe Pray
wife of an addict M 39 H 39 D18 D 16 Together 19 M17
Hey Collin, my W does the same thing. She blows everything out of proportion. If I'm happy, I'm suddenly skipping around and making her angrier by being so bubbly...I'm far from bubbly. It's her messed up perception, it's got nothing to do with me or with reality. Don't feel like you have to defend yourself or your actions. Just do you, get some goals and work towards them brother.
Well, looks like my first goal should be BUY THE BOOK. But, doing so right now without her knowing would be nearly impossible.
But, in the meantime could you please help me understand? Like, my goal for next month is to run a 10k. But, that's not anything to do with her, that's just something I want to do, for me.
If I had to say my goal as far as my R would be to get my emotions (anger/sadness) in check. Right now I'm a wreck. I can't work on repairing my marriage in the mental state i'm in now. Got to work on me first, then her.
Am I on the right path as far as setting goals? Any help is appreciated.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
When you say this, what do you mean? You have the right mindset, I think. The key is now to document what you mean so that you can actually do the work.
Typically, goals revolve around becoming the person you want to be. You mentioned a 10k. Thats great. For example, you could set an overall goal of being healthier. Then break it down into manageable, measurable things.
Be healthier By the end of June, I want to: - Eat an average of xxxx calories per day - Work out for xxx minutes xxx times per week - Complete xxx athletic events - Go out to eat no more than xxx times per week - Spend xxx amount of time outside per day and so on....
Then you make these kinds of lists in other areas as well. Lifestyle, finance, family, pets, job, etc, etc. You can also make these kinds of things about how you act:
You mentioned sadness.....so.... Be happier By the end of June, I will: - Write a different thing each day that I am happy for - Smile to three different people each day - Laugh at least once each day - Go to one GAL event that is brand new to me - Go to two GAL events with current friends and so on.
You cant inherently just "work on you." You have to hold yourself accountable and actually do it.
