Hello everyone, Blu here! Just to recap on my sitch:
Like many of you I was the LBS for a long time. My H and I were married with kids, I adored him, we were in love for a long time, beautiful family, small town, lots of friends, and he was the nicest guy! I thought I had it all and he would never hurt me. My family, friends and community thought we had it all.
A string of very difficult life events lead to the corrosion of our marriage. Things were rapidly changing and falling apart and I just could not put my finger on why we couldn't cope. Something in my gut was telling me for months--maybe longer--that something just wasn't right. I got the ILYBINILWY. The distance was growing. I was battling with my own anxiety and depression with the life hardships, and so I had trouble seeing that my M was slipping away in front of me. I completely blamed myself! My H was the most wonderful man and I never thought he would hurt me. .... WRONG.
I found out he was having an EA with OW in our same small town for 6-12 mos. No idea when it started and I don't think he knows either because they were just "friends" in his mind. But in his gut he also knew it was wrong. So when I found out about this "friendship" and that he was lying to me and seeing her behind my back, I was heartbroken, devastated, and so angry. With all the crisis that was happening already, I had no reserves to deal with this. We fought, I went crazy, we split up. I read the forums here but struggled to DB. In the beginning I was angry, lashed out, and gave ultimatums. Then I became further anxious and depressed and cried, begged, and pleaded. Of course I only pushed him further away. I always struggled to focus on me.
So we were separated for about a year and their EA went to PA and they had a full blown R. It was the darkest and scariest time in my life. Here I was with these kids, in this town--always wondering who knew--hanging on by a thread, with the shame staring me in the face. I honestly don't know how I survived. I couldn't eat, lost over 30 pounds, couldn't sleep, had problems at work, my kiddos were visibly struggling, and I had this possible D looming and fear of losing my home. My life was completely turned upside down.
Then everything changed. It was also the hardest year of his life and he was running to OW because it was the only thing that "made" him feel good about himself. He always knew the A was wrong, he always felt guilty, but he justified it because of his anger towards me. An anger that had built up over time that I never even knew was there. He was the typical Nice Guy, perfect H and family man, and put my needs before his own. I had no idea he was silently suffering and building resentment towards me all those years. He completely rewrote history. That is how he justified his A--he deserved to be happy, I make him miserable, and the more I lashed out while he was gone, the more he justified it and pointed the finger at me. My wonderful, loving H was a complete alien to me.
Well that only lasts so long. You can't blame someone else for your unhappiness and quite frankly, while he was gone and having his A he was more unhappy than ever before! It was the times that he missed his normal life and I was cordial that he missed me. It was when he saw that I was starting to move on--not by words, but by actions--that he was terrified of losing me. He knew he hadn't tried in our M.
So, he has been back over a year and we have been piecing. When H came back he did a 180--he was remorseful, transparent, working on himself, and out of the fog. It happened rather quickly from my perspective--1-2 weeks. He was back and in my gut I just knew. He has remained this way and it has been consistent. ... Always trust your gut. My gut has never steered me wrong in the last few years, I just didn't want to listen to it.
So here I am. I am still learning about acceptance, forgiveness, and mostly--what I tell all of you--that the fundamental principle is what we all need to focus on, and that is self-love. DB is about YOU. Love yourself, work on detachment and breaking codependency, and know your value in any R. You are valuable and no one else can determine your worth! Whether you enter piecing or not, that is what will get you through life and lead to strength and happiness.
These boards got me through some very dark days. Waywards do come back. Always trust your gut and take care of yourself first. I am here for you guys.
Thank you, Blu
Last edited by Cadet; 05/31/1601:09 PM. Reason: Link
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
