Ralph, thank you. I agree. I think that is good advice for all of us. Sometimes we need to take a step back and just live life. You are correct, I am having a difficult time forgiving him. It's hard to understand that when you are the LBS because you just want the person back. It is hard to look forward and know that even of you have them back, they have still hurt you and betrayed you in the worst way. I do feel positive that we will get through this, I just am coming to accept that forgiveness and trust are choices, and they are hard choices, and quite frankly sometimes it's easier to cross my arms over my chest and stomp my feet.
Phoebe, thank you for the kind words, you are so lovely. Yes, we can def have moments of closeness and vulnerability, and I do "feel" that I can trust him. But, before any of this happened I always trusted him, without doubt--thought he would never hurt me--and so no longer being the fool that I was, I accept that anyone can hurt another. He didn't hurt me with the intention of breaking my trust--those were his circus monkeys--however the result has left a permanent scar on me. I will never be that naive in life. So now I trust him because I choose to, not because I simply do; it is a daily action. What he must understand, is that it is not unconditional. It can't be. It is earned, and that shouldn't be taken for granted. This must go both ways.
We were in MC for a year. Honestly, she was great--pricey, but her perspective and advice were spot on. We went for a year and there was a lot to be gained. I was finding that we were going in some of the same circles. It was also incredibly painful and I don't know if I was ready. I think her and H would agree that as much as I wanted the M to work, I still hadn't fully accepted him after what happened. I feel that I am getting there now.
Sotto, thank you for your perspective! I don't think another MC is what we need. The anxiety just leading up to the appts was eating me. There were times that we had productive sessions, but there were more times that we left drained, triggered, and frustrated. It made it difficult to go home and lead a normal life with kids, with all the lingering feelings. So I decided to take a break, commit to spending one day a week together where we worked on building something new. I felt that it was time to start moving forward. H is committed to making this work, and he has dealt with a lot in the last year--his own recovery, shame/regrets, self growth, and also a tremendous amount of patience with me. I think it is taking me a very long time to accept what happened. Wait, my H did what?!? Really?!? Yeah, I still have those moments.
I don't know what Reality Trip is, but I will look it up. I recall seeing other posters talk about Retrouvaille, but I don't know what that is either. Is it a religious based program? I will read about that too. There was a poster 25-something, and I loved her posts and feedback. Her perspective resonated with me. I vaguely recall she was piecing and did that program with her H. Is she still out there? :-)
Sadhub, thank you. You are correct--I think we both can be a rock for others, but perhaps not so much for ourselves. You are very wise, calming, and supportive of others here. I appreciate it. I am def too hard on myself. I have been hearing that for a long time! I can stew and beat myself up over and over again. I do like reading/writing here tho, and it has been therapeutic for me as well. I also keep thinking that I need something new--a new hobby, exercise, art, something--so that I can focus on a different future where some of this stuff that happened makes more sense. I need to look forward, and not just think about it.
Okay, so the boss has spoken. I am going to start a new thread now. My first official thread is closing. Thank you DBers for the beautiful experience and support.
Time to move forward!
Cadet, can you link me up?
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
