Oh, Jks, I am not magnanimous. At all. I refused to meet OW for 2 years until I had to because ex was housebound after surgery. I almost did not let our daughter attend his wedding. I even said some not so positive things about OW around my D when she was very young. I was angry, hurt, and disgusted. Nothing would have made me happier than the two of them being miserable and cheating on eachother or leaving eachother.
But years passed. They were married, no one was going anywhere, and I said I could fight It forever, from a place of hurt and betrayal, or Ic ould just accept it. I didn't want my ex back for quite some time, but I was angry for all that was taken from our child and I. But in due time, I knew I had to let it go. Too much energy was spent on them. She was a part of my daughters life no matter what. So, I put my big girl panties on, she attended my daughters preschool graduation and we all went out to dinner after, with his family. And I was fine, to my surprise. She was the one who felt weird, actually. We all attend our daughters special events.
They have been married for five years. She is a part of my daughters life, and sadly enough, I would worry more if it was just ex and D, because I believe OW mediates some of ex's nutty behaviors. The last thing I want is for them to divorce. I thought it might be the greatest karma at one point. But then my daughter would have to experience their divorce and have a family ripped up and I don't want that for her. I wish to God some days my ex would have done this "right" and left me without an affair so I could really be able to embrace his new wife. I do it now with as much grace as possible, and think of only my daughter when I do. What she did will always linger, keeping us from having one of those stepparent relationships that are glorified. Our daughter is very very very emotionally intelligent and observant, so she needs to see there is no animosity there. She needs to feel comfortable around us.
I tell you all of this, because this is something that comes with time and is not always a linear path. Don't rush it.
You are an excellent momma who has your daughters best interest at heart. You are where you need to be, and I promise you, with time, this will heal.
At this point, you are way ahead of the game than I was.
